Page 87 of Since Always

"Just go. Tell her. I don't like it, but I also don't like…Fuck, I don't know, Owen. This is messed up, but if you both still…Just go. She was right when she said she's a grown woman and I don't get to decide who she's with. And I obviously don't get to dictate who you date."

"No, but I do care about your opinion."

"I guess my opinion for now is don't fucking hurt my sister."

I almost snort at this.

"What?" He asks.

"It's just a little ironic for you to say that, isn't it? Do you really think you aren't hurting your sister?"

He shakes his head. "This isn't about me. You know what I'm talking about."

"I do. I also don't think you really understand how I feel about her. Anything you're worried about, I've already worried about. I'm not just staying away because of you. I'm staying away to protect her."

He sighs, and pushes away from the desk, standing up and turning to face out of the window. Again, he takes several moments of silence before turning around to speak again.

"This is all fucked up. The last thing in the world I would have ever wanted is you and Cass together. I still can't think about it without my skin crawling. And I'm not sure I can forgive you. I'm not saying that to be a dick, I just really have thought a lot about it, and I still think you should have done more to prevent it from ever happening. Claiming you just can't stop falling for someone feels childish. It's like men who cheat and claim they had no choice in the matter because they were 'in love.’”

I can only nod at this, knowing he is right.

"But, we're here. And now Cassidy's feelings are, well, from what mom says, pretty intense. She's in love with you. And not just in the "little girl with a crush" way she used to be. So, now I have to think: is she better off just trying to get over it? Or is she better off getting to be with you? I at least do believe you would do whatever you could to protect her."

"I would. But what is your conclusion? Which way is she better off? Because, I gotta tell you, man, I've spent months trying to figure out the same thing."

"I think maybe," he says, "my conclusion is that it shouldn't be for either of us to decide that. You know what I mean?"

CHAPTER 29

Cassidy

Commencement day starts early at USC, and a group of friends have insisted I take part in the ritual of going to one of the local bars at 7:00 am for a drink. I had no intention of going, but I've been up since 5:00 am anyway, so I might as well not just sit here by myself.

The bar is packed, with barely any space to breathe. The doorman is not letting anyone else in—something I'm not sure I've ever seen before noon—but he knows one of the girls I am with and lets us slip in front of the line.

"This is crazy," my cohort says as we make our way through the raucous crowd, which is currently chanting "USC" over-and-over.

We manage to find some friends and order a drink, but as everyone around me celebrates, I feel a kind of disconnect. I want to be here in this moment, but for some reason, I'm just not.

College has been great, and I've had a lot of really fun times and I've met great people and it got me the job that I am already completely in love with. But, when I look back on these last few years, I also think about all I lost.

When I started here, my family was whole. My life was whole.

Now, mostly, all I feel is ready to move on.

I finish my drink and take some pictures with the group before sneaking out without saying goodbye.

My mom's plane is just landing about now, and she has said she will meet me after the main ceremony—the part of the graduation for all students, before we all go to our individual program ceremonies. That doesn't start until 8:30, though, so I have nothing to do for a while. I go to text a couple of friends I might be able to meet up with, so I have someone to sit with.

When I look at my phone, I notice have a missed call and text from Becca.

Becca: Happy graduation day!! What are you doing right now?

Me: Just walking over to the park where we have the ceremony with everyone.

Becca: Oh good! Do me a favor—you know where the Norris cinema is on campus?

Me: Yeah, I'm close to that.

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