Page 51 of Since Always

"Hey. Why are you up so early?"

"Chris woke up for a conference call. He has all his shit for it in the room, so I just got up and let him have it. You?"

"Just a lot on my mind."

She nods. "Hey, O, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure. What's up?"

She shuts the door and comes to sit across from me. I feel anxious. Stephanie and I haven't spoken alone in years, and I'm not sure what she's going to say. She pauses for a moment, searching for the right words.

"What is it? Is everything okay?"

"Owen, is there something going on between you and Cass?"

The world stops spinning around me

I shift in my seat, ready to deny, but she isn't finished.

"I saw you touch her. Yesterday, when we got down the mountain after our first run. We were heading back towards the coffee stand. I was behind you guys, but I don't think you realized and she was teasing you about something, I think..."

She trails off, but I know exactly what moment she is talking about. I did think Steph was ahead of us with Chris. I was too wrapped up in Cass to notice anything, to be honest. And because my helmet was keeping anyone else from recognizing me, I had stopped her taunting by reaching over and grabbing her ass. She had laughed at the gesture and playfully swatted me away, reaching over to grab mine in retribution.

"Look. You don't owe me an explanation. Not at all. I just...It was a really strange moment and I don't know how much there is to it. I keep replaying all of our conversations in my head, especially the one about the person she was sleeping with. O, was she talking about you?"

I taste bile inside my mouth. "Steph, it's not..." But I can't outright lie to her. Or maybe I don't want to. There is a part of me that wants to come clean, as if saying it absolves me and can clear my conscious. But I can't find the worlds, either, so instead, I just let my head hang. "Fuck."

"Holy shit, Owen."

"Did you tell Chris about—"

"No. And I'm not going to."

I jerk my eyes up to her. "You're not going to tell him?"

She shakes her head. "I don't think that's my place, although I can't tell you how much I hate that I have to keep a secret from him. Especially right as I am trying to build trust again," her voice catches.

I can see it now, how committed she is to showing Chris she won't hurt him again. And I've screwed that up.

That, and everything else.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for...Fuck. This is bad."

"Yeah. It's pretty bad, Owen. What are you doing?" she asks, and she doesn't sound angry or accusatory; just truly perplexed. "She's 22 years old. She's basically been like your little sister..."

"She's not my little sister."

"Well, clearly."

I groan and drop my head again. "I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing."

"How long has it been going on?"

"Only a couple of days. Just since New Year's. But, well, maybe not. There was an incident a couple of years ago..."

"How many years ago? How old was she then, Owen?"

"An adult. Twenty. And it was just one stupid mistake. Before that, I had never thought of her as anything more than Little C. But she grew up. I mean, you see her. And I tried. I stayed away for two years after that, to keep space between her and I. I dated, and I moved on, and I thought it was safe to come back here. I thought I had moved past it."

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