Page 93 of Bad News Babe

“I’m too old to tackle you and Justice anymore. Someone younger needs to pick up the slack by kicking you idiots into a closet whenever you’re in dumbass moods.”

“What did Shania say?” I ask Ma-Poppy.

“She asked if I meant Alexis, so I asked if she had other abandoned daughters. She claimed to feel awful and wants to rekindle their spiritual connection.”

“Gross,” Journey mutters.

Sighing deeply, I explain, “Alexis doesn’t want to screw up her current lucky streak.”

“No, this is good.”

“How?” I ask with enough fury to make my ma reach for her always-loaded water pistol. “You’re luring a terrible person back into my dream girl’s life. What fricking upside could there be?”

“Alexis will realize her past doesn’t matter,” Ma-Poppy mumbles, not really selling her bullshit. “I like her now. She’s my second daughter. That’s a win for Alexis. I’m very picky.”

“You’ve put her in a bad situation, Ma,” I explain, feeling like I’m causing Alexis issues rather than protecting her.

Ma-Poppy’s mouth forms a tight line as her eyes fill with tears. “I fricked the frick up!”

Hugging her to me, I decide to milk my ma’s guilt to get what I want. “If you really like Alexis, let her move in with me until our house is ready.”

Poppy wipes her eyes and frowns at me. “How loud are you two? Though I accept my children enjoy healthy, vibrant, barf-inducing sex lives, I don’t want to hear the soundtrack.”

“We’ll be quiet. I’ll set up a white noise machine. Even wear a ball gag. No worries.”

Frowning, Ma-Poppy looks at Journey. “I feel like I’m being played.”

“You did open a can of New Jersey muff cabbage today. Seems like you played yourself, dipshit.”

“You’re a terrible sister!” Ma-Poppy squawks and pulls her water pistol.

Journey is a quicker drawn and sprays my ma. I wait to see if they’ll stop with one squirt. Then, I remember my twenty-six years around these women and realize I should get out of the crossfire.

“Thanks for letting Alexis move in. I’ll go tell her the good news.”

As I walk outside, my mother returns fire while Journey goes the dual-guns route. My aunt has my ma on the run by the time I’ve gotten my second hog and pulled up to the security gate.

I’m not sure where to go. The clubhouse—The Rock Tavern—is likely dead at this time of day. My brother and cousins are off doing work shit. My uncles are probably bugging Jared at his auto shop—Rock Belt Auto. I’m thinking of Alexis and her mom when I get her text about having an allergic reaction.

After several attempts to decipher her wonky details and my sister’s flat-out lies, I learn where they’re currently located. Riding to Rockwell, I’m ready for my dream girl to look like a mess.

And, yeah, her face is bright fricking red and covered in bumps. I get the urge to pick up Alexis and rush her to the doctor to make sure she’s okay. Before I overreact, she smiles in that silly way she gets when she’s blitzed.

“My ma might have contacted your ma,” I explain, taking advantage of Alexis’s drunkenness like I did my mother’s guilt. “Now, Shania might want to see you.”

“Whatever,” Alexis says and tugs down my T-shirt enough to see the tattoo with her name on it. “Do you still love me?”

“More than before.”

“How come?” she asks and frowns at how she smeared wing sauce on my shirt.

“I worried if you weren’t perfectly beautiful that I might sport a smaller boner. But here you are looking like you’ve been through the wringer, and I’m as hard as ever.”

“Gross!” Tuesday cries.

“Ew,” Zelda grumbles.

“That’s sweet,” Juno coos.

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