Page 53 of Bad News Babe

“Too bad he doesn’t,” I mumble, thinking weed would help me be super chill for dinner with the Mercer family.

Juno nudges me. “Your boyfriend’s family owns the town’s weed store. Ask him to buy you some.”

“He’s already getting our air-conditioning fixed,” I explain, wondering if I’ll pass out from the heat. “Seems greedy to ask for more.”

“No, you’re just probably pregnant,” Zelda mutters. “Since you can’t get high, you don’t want us buzzed, either. Selfish, Alexis. My sister suffers from anxiety. She needs weed.”

I glance at Juno, who smiles casually. “I hide my anxiety well.”

“I thought you were making a move on Tripp. How come you’re here and not next to him?”

“He only has the one folding chair.”

“There’s literally another one sitting next to him right now,” I say and point down at Tripp on the driveway. “Like literally right here.”

“That’s his brother’s chair.”

“Do ghosts need chairs?”

“His spirit is weary,” Juno says with complete sincerity.

Zelda mutters, “Seems like after you blew a guy, he’d give up his ghost brother’s chair for you.”

“You blew him?” I whisper to Juno.

“It was like a minute of work, and he’s been so appreciative.”

“Uh, he won’t give up an empty chair for you,” Zelda grumbles. “Since I don’t believe in ghosts, save the dead brother thing.”

“He’s in mourning,” Juno says and smiles at where Tripp shyly glances at her. “I like how he has feelings. Most men smother theirs with figurative pillows.”

Changing the subject, Zelda asks me, “So, are you pregnant yet?”

“We had sex, so maybe.”

“He should have tripled up on the rubbers.”

“I think West wants to make a baby with me. He seems to think I’ll run away if I’m not weighed down with his giant, adorable baby.”

Juno’s eyes widen. “I can’t believe you had your first time in a hotel. People with money sure are high class.”

“Where was your first time?”

Juno looks at Zelda, who shrugs and says, “I’ll go first. Mine was in the woods out behind the school. A big spider crawled across his face while he was grunting over me. I smashed it into his cheek since I didn’t want it falling on me. He might have come. He was making a crazy amount of weird noises. Of course, some of them were sobs. That’s when I realized I didn’t want to have sex with boys anymore.”

“She was a lesbian for an entire summer,” Juno announces as if impressed.

Nudging Zelda, I ask, “What happened?”

“This girl and I were having sex in the woods behind the school, and a squirrel shit on her head. I’ve decided to take my romantic cues from nature. Now, I’m asexual.”

“What’s that?” I ask.

“It means I get to live a long joyful life with no one bothering my vagina.”

“I’d rather die young than be alone,” Juno says and looks at Tripp. “Do you think we’d make cute babies?”

Zelda grunts. “They’ll be chubby for sure.”

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