Page 35 of Bad News Babe

“Rear,” Val says, snickering.

Tuesday grins at his amusement while Ma-Poppy ponders her feelings regarding possible grandchildren.

“I might be too young to be a meemaw.”

Swallowing fast, Tuesday blurts out, “If West knocks up this Toomey chick, she’ll pop before Ike or Edith have a shot at making kids. So, if it’s a contest between you and Auntie Journey, you’ll blow her out of the water.”

I appreciate my sister’s assistance in the matter. Our ma’s always very interested in defeating her sisters at pointless contests.

“So, you’re thinking kids after knowing her for two days?” Pa-Emmett asks me and exhales deeply. “I’m not sure I’m old enough to be a peepaw.”

“This is West Virginia, Pa,” Tuesday answers for me. “You should have been a grandpa a decade ago. I mean, I totally planned to have a kid in middle school. Except I got busy with whatever hobby I gave a shit about back then. Sorry, Papa.”

While our father engages in an eye-rolling contest with his daughter, Ma-Poppy focuses on me. “Invite Axis of Evil to dinner, so I can see if she’s worthy of my firstborn child.”

“You can’t be mean to Alexis.”

“If she can’t handle razzing, she won’t survive this family,” Val says and sighs. “Should have fallen in love with a stronger redheaded raccoon.”

“She isn’t really a raccoon, is she?” Tuesday asks.

Grunting, I mutter, “She’s a red-hot angel. That’s what she is, right there.”

“You met her,” Ma-Poppy says to Tuesday. “Did she reveal any raccoon features?”

“She got wasted after a single drink,” my sister replies. “Seems to me that raccoons would have stronger constitutions.”

“How many did you drink?” Pa-Emmett asks her.

“None. I just passed out last night from exhaustion after all the deep thinking I did.”

Val grins. “Well, that and the jizz.”

Ma-Poppy gasps. Once, and then again when Val doesn’t react.

Finally, my brother sighs dutifully and pats our mother’s hand. “Jizz has vitamins in it. You should want her to swallow as much as possible.”

“Great,” Pa-Emmett says while our mother gasp-yells at Val for being gross and calling his sister a whore and some other stuff I can’t understand since she gets tired and mumbles the last complaints.

“The house,” I say, having finished eating and wanting to get to my club duties before I meet up with Alexis. “I need one. Is there like a store or something?”

“If you were mature enough to live independently, you’d already know the answer,” Ma-Poppy replies.

“There’s a website,” Pa-Emmett says and wins a gasp from his wife. “You need to figure out floorplans. We’ve already decided where all of you will live. It’s on the homestead map at Christine and Jared’s place.”

“I’m not living next to these two,” Val insists. “They’re loud fuckers. I mean that literally, too. Especially you.”

Tuesday gasps when she realizes he means her. Then, Ma-Poppy gasps. Then, the two of them think they’re being challenged and start trying to out-gasp each other.

I thank my pa for the website info, slap the back of my brother’s head, and wish my ma luck in her contest. Tuesday decides I’ve betrayed her and gasps in my direction. I also hear my ma yell out how I needed to bring “Attila Toomey” to dinner tomorrow night.

Ignoring their usual antics, I work on tracking down the dealer my cousins couldn’t find yesterday. Two hours later, I decide the guy’s ditched town or died in the woods. If he shows up, I’ll punch him. Until then, I’m done searching.

Alexis is outside the duplex when I arrive to take her to work. She’s dressed in a long, flowy, burgundy-and-black skirt with a loose, flowered top. A plum headscarf covers her hair. She looks like an old-timey fortune teller.

“Your getup is sexy,” I tell her after turning off my hog.

“I used to dress normal for crystal gazing, but customers like an immersive experience.”

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