Page 180 of Castleton Hearts Boxed Set

“Too cute, too cute!” Natalie pretended to shield her eyes.

“Get over here,” I said, reaching for her.

“Am I cute?” she asked, when she sat down.

“Obviously. But you’re not just cute. You’re beautiful, you’re stunning, you’re gorgeous. You’re all the words in the thesaurus that are synonyms of those,” I said.

Natalie blushed. “Really?”

“Really,” I said. “I used to tell everyone how pretty you were, remember?”

Natalie bit her bottom lip and looked down.

“Yeah, I do remember. It always made me feel so good,” she said.

When we would go places together, I would hold her hand and introduce her as “this is my best friend Natalie and she’s the prettiest.” Everyone thought it was adorable.

“I still thought you were the prettiest, even when I was mad at you,” I said.

“I didn’t feel pretty, Em. I felt so awful, all the time.”

We hadn’t talked about those missing years, but we’d have to eventually. I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear about it, but if she needed me to listen, I’d suck it up.

“Was it awful? It didn’t look that way from the outside,” I said. I tried to say it as gently as possible.

“I know. I was pretending. It was so exhausting.” She closed her eyes for a moment.

“Then why did you do it? Why did you stay friends with them?” That was the question I had always wanted the answer to. Why had she sided with such awful people?

“It’s complicated. I was just so desperate to be included. To be invited. You remember when we’d find out on a Monday that there was a sleepover the previous weekend and neither of us had been invited? I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. And then there was Gretchen. She was pressuring me to hang out with her friends, and she was my older sister. I was too young to see that she was manipulating me,” she said.

The more I heard about Gretchen, the less and less respect I had for her. She and Wyatt really deserved each other.

“At first it was nice. It was so fun to get to see what I’d been missing. But then things would turn, and they’d be talking about other people and expect me to join in. I’m so ashamed that I did. I’m ashamed that I got caught up in it. Those years make me sick when I think back.”

I swallowed. “Did they talk about me?”

Natalie looked right at me. “Do you really want to know the answer to that?”

A wave of nausea rolled through me.

“No. I don’t.”

“It wasn’t all awful, that’s the confusing part. There were parties and pool days and theme parks and whispering secrets in the dark. It was fun, most of the time.”

That’s what I thought.

“I’m having a hard time processing all this,” I said. I never should have asked.

“I appreciate you letting me talk about it, even though it’s hard for you to hear. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk with about it.”

My anger at her was so easy to reach for. What wasn’t as easy to try was compassion. Understanding. We were young, and she regretted it. What use was there for me to keep making her apologize, or feel like shit about it? Didn’t change a damn thing.

I liked where we were now. I didn’t want to go backwards.

“You can talk to me about it,” I said. “I’ll do my best to listen.”

“That’s all I can ask, thank you.”

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