Page 54 of Collateral Damage

As soon as I kick the door shut, I set Jess down, grab the bottom of her knitted dress, and pull it over her head.

“Hi,” she breathes.

“Hi.”

“I missed you,” I groan as I take in her almost naked body.

“That’s a funny coincidence. Me too.”

I snap the front clasp of her bra and trail kisses down her neck. Next to go are her bra and panties, and she’s left with her tan knee-high boots and nothing else. My lips smash to hers, and I lower her to the floor. I trail my mouth down to a beautiful peach nipple, sucking it into my mouth. Jess arches off the floor, and her breath rushes out of her mouth in one long moan. I don’t feel, see, hear anything except for Jess. The way she smells, the way she sounds. This is what I need. I pull down my jeans, take out my cock, and thrust into her. Usually I’d go down on Jess, make her come a few times before I drive into her, but the desire to lose myself overtakes me. I need this. Need every second. Need to forget. With each memory that assaults me, I thrust deeper into Jess. Her moans spur me on, and I pound harder, harder, harder, and soon everything fades away. Soon I can’t think of anything. I’m lost in her.

I come, and just as soon as I do, everything comes rushing back and I’m sucked right into the present. I realize Jess didn’t come and feel like an ass. Jesus, I didn’t even take care of her. “I’m sorry.” I wipe the hair from her face. “Give me a few minutes, and I’ll make it up to you.”

She laughs. “Yeah, you will.”

After Jess and I fuck each other limp, we head for the showers. She covers her loofa with citrus-scented body wash and rubs it over my back.

“So how are you?”

Fuck, here we go.

“I’m good.”

“Was it a tough mission?” Her question is tentative, like she feels she shouldn’t ask it but her need for answers tips the scales over the fine line.

“They’re all tough.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

That’s the last thing I fucking want. “Nope, I’m good.”

“So, what do you feel like doing? I have the day off since it’s your first day back.” Her voice sounds nervous—high-pitched and overly cheerful. I hate that she’s uncomfortable, and it’s because of me. I need to get out of here so I can breathe and sort my shit out and come back with my head screwed on right. I was going to ask Jess to go with me to get Hurricane, the name of my mission, tattooed on my chest. Something I decided to do on the way home. A penance, if you will, although nothing can absolve me from failing this mission, but I need the space now. I need to bleed the pain of the mission through the pain of the tattoo. To etch the failure into my skin, hoping when the ink lies on the surface, so will my pain, not deeply rooted in my very core.

“Uh, actually, I have a couple of errands to run, and Jensen asked me to help him move Tatum’s jungle gym.”

“Would you like some company? I can get some Tatum snuggles in while you guys work?”

“Nah, it’s okay. I won’t be too long.” The silence is thick and oppressive. I can feel her disappointment teaming down the walls as fast as the water droplets.

“Oh, okay. Should I make steak for dinner then?”

“I’ll throw a couple on the grill when I get back.” I pull her against me.

“Alright. I’ll pick those up while you run your errands. We have Tatum coming over this weekend, and I want to get some snacks for her.”

“Sounds good.” Geez, this sounds like a bad first date conversation.

Jess rinses her soap off and wrings out her hair before reaching for her towel hanging over the shower door and getting out. She’s silent as she dries off, which is unusual. Normally, Jess is talking a mile a minute. I feel like a fucking jerk.

I get out and take Jess by the arms. Water drips around me in a puddle at my feet as I look into her eyes. Hurt, but kind.

“I just need a couple of hours, Jess. I need to clear my head.”

She expels a breath. “I’m sorry for pushing you. I just don’t know how to do this. I mean, I don’t know how to be there for you right now. What is a military fiancée supposed to do? I’m out of my league here.”

“You don’t have to do anything. Just… just give me a couple of hours. Things will be back to normal in a few days, I promise. I’m not trying to be a jerk here. I’m just… it was a lot, you know?”

I see the hurt on her face. I know she wants me to talk about it. I know she wants me to tell her what’s going on, but she doesn’t push, and I appreciate her for that. I just can’t tell her. As much as I want to purge, as much as I’d love to tell her how I feel about all the things I’ve seen, the things I’ll have to live with, I can’t. I need just one thing in my life to stay out of the shadows.

“I’m gonna go dry my hair.”

“Yeah, sure, okay.”

“Kiss me before you go?”

“I’ll kiss you now and before I go.” I pull her in and our lips press together, but this time it feels different. I feel her distance.

Is this how she feels when I’m closed off?

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