Page 71 of Collateral Damage

Chapter Thirty – Jess

Time.

It’s all I’ve had over the last few weeks, and all time has done is cement how empty my life is. My hormones being out of whack after the ectopic pregnancy haven’t helped either. After nearly three weeks of binge-watching every show imaginable and eating my weight in everything covered in chocolate, I finally feel a little steadier. More steady, but definitely not whole.

I’ve grieved over the baby and the things I’d wished for that I’ll never experience now. They say it takes four to six weeks to recover from ectopic removal surgery, but I guess they don’t mean emotionally because I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover. Some days I can accept that things aren’t meant to be, and on other days I’m bitter at life’s turn of events. I also very much and very deeply regret the way things turned out with Chris. Making life decisions in an emotional state is never a good thing. Seeing Chris so soon after the surgery was probably not the best idea, but when he wouldn’t tell me why he didn’t want kids, I knew it was the end for us. I know he can’t tell me about his missions. Do I sometimes wish he could? Sure, but deep down, I know he’s loyal and true, and that’s one of the reasons I love him. But things would never work between us if he can’t tell me how he feels about a decision that impacts both our lives.

Today is the first day I’m venturing outside my home. It’s time to start looking at apartments. I can’t live in a house with cardboard boxes full of Chris’s stuff stacked everywhere, and I also can’t remain in a home that used to be ours but is no longer. There are too many memories here. Too many constant reminders of mistakes we… I made.

I grab my purse and my phone and head around the back of the house to the double garage. Chris’s truck is no longer parked in its usual spot, and I feel that twinge again. Dylan came to fetch it soon after Chris was deployed. No sooner does the twinge appear than I get frustrated with myself. There have been many times that Chris’s truck hasn’t been parked in the garage, for God’s sake. For starters, it’s a work day, and he’d be doing what he was doing at Camp Pendleton, but somehow knowing that his truck isn’t there for other reasons smarts.

I have to admit that when Jensen told me Chris went rogue on his mission, I was really worried. Chris isn’t the type of guy to get impulsive on a mission. In fact, outside of sex, he isn’t impulsive at all. He’s a really structured guy. But then we were told that as a result of Chris going rogue, he ended up saving a bunch of kids’ lives and pride swelled in me, dulling the fear somewhat.

I back out of the drive and pull into traffic. It’s nice to be able to drive again. The doctor advised me to give it a few weeks for the stitches to dissolve before attempting to drive. Skyla was amazing. She brought over groceries and meals and even washed my dishes a few times. But I have to say it’s great to get my independence back.

Skyla is at the curb in front of their house, minus Tatum. I haven’t seen Tatum since the surgery, and I wonder if Skyla is concerned that seeing Tatum would upset me.

I pull over, and she hops in the front seat.

“I would’ve come in, you know,” I say.

“I know, but I’m really excited about house hunting!”

I start driving to the first location. A two-bedroom apartment close to where Tyler lives.

“How are you feeling?”

“You know you don’t have to keep asking me that question, Sky. I’m fine.”

I flick her a glance, and she looks skeptical. “Why don’t I believe you?”

Probably because I’m not fine.

“Where’s your little cutie?”

“Jensen took her to the beach. He’s been so busy lately that he hasn’t had a chance to spend quality time with her.”

“Nothing like daddy-daughter bonding.”

“Yeah.”

Things fall into an awkward silence between us, and I rack my brain for something to come up with to ease the tension. Eventually, we pull up to the address I’m looking for, and I turn to face Skyla. “Sky, I really am okay to see Tatum. I don’t expect you to hide her away from me because of what happened.” God, I can’t even say the words aloud.

Skyla turns in the seat and reaches for my hands. “I know what it’s like to go through a breakup. It tore me to shreds, and that didn’t include losing a baby at the same time. Jess, I don’t think you appreciate just what you’ve been through. I’m pretty surprised you’re still standing.”

She looks at me so seriously, and a bubble of laughter rips from my mouth. Skyla watches me, the puzzlement on her face mixed with concern. “What did I say?”

“Do you realize you’re technically talking me into being depressed?”

Skyla laughs and covers her mouth. “Oh God, you’re right. I guess I’m not the go-to friend when you need a pep talk.”

I laugh again and reach over and give my friend a hug. “You’re the perfect friend for any kind of talk. Shall we?”

It’s only when we get out of the car that I really take in my surroundings. The building looks okay. There isn’t a lawn to speak of, just paved brick with the occasional tree dotting the concrete. Skyla shoots me a look and then adjusts her face. “Maybe the inside looks better.”

I laugh at her trying to put a positive spin on what looks very depressing.

We head up the stairs to the third floor. The elevator doors are rusted, so neither of us is willing to risk it. I’m a little out of breath by the time we get to the apartment. It’s amazing what three short weeks of no exercise can do to one’s body. The landlady is waiting for us at the door. She’s neat as a pin in a black suit and red blouse. Her hair is immaculate, nails perfect, and the suit looks expensive, so I start getting hopeful. I guess it’s best not to throw yourself in based on stereotypes.

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