Page 32 of Fair Catch
I cracked my knuckles, smiling a bit at the memory.
“With the discovery of that talent came immense pressure. My whole life, Mom and Dad made it clear that I was to excel at football. They were already making plans of how I’d go pro when I was twelve. Twelve,” I repeated, shaking my head. “And when I was younger, I loved it. They were at every game, they were invested, and I just thought it was this special thing I had with my parents. I felt lucky to have their attention like that, especially when so many other kids never had their parents in the stands.
“But as I got older, that pressure mounted. If my grades dropped too low to play, I’d feel Dad’s wrath. If I messed up on the field, I’d feel it, too. Mom tried to be supportive no matter what, but the truth is she had the same expectations for me. They made something of themselves. They wanted me to do the same. And if school wasn’t my forte, if football was all I had… she expected me to be damn good at it.”
It was like bleeding out in that smelly old library, how those words just continued to leak out. But as much as they hurt… I was happy to be rid of them.
“I started drinking in high school, played around with some drugs when I was offered them.” I shrugged. “Anything that could take the edge off, that could bring me a little relief… I wanted it. But then, it’d only work against me, only disappoint my parents more.” I swallowed. “Like the night of the accident.”
Riley stiffened at that, but I continued.
“I’ve let them down more times than I can count, all because… what? Because they see what’s best for me and want to help me achieve it? Because they know what I’m capable of and push me to be the best? I should be thanking them. But I…”
I swallowed, coming up short on how to finish the sentence before I pivoted.
“Don’t get me wrong. I fucking love football. It’s everything to me. But I think that’s just it,” I said, finally meeting Riley’s gaze. “It’s everything to me. You’re right. I’m not smart. I don’t have any idea what I’ll do if the NFL doesn’t pan out. This is it for me, Novo.” I held out my hands. “Football is all I have. And most of the time, I love that. But sometimes,” I confessed. “It scares the ever living shit out of me.”
Those words hung between us like jellyfish in shallow water, an ever-buzzing threat. I could feel their tentacles sparking like electricity with every breath I took, but I didn’t have another word to speak.
Finally, Riley sucked in a long, slow breath, and let it out just as calmly. Her eyes flicked between mine, and she swallowed.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I didn’t realize how…”
She bit her cheek, the sentence stifled.
“You know I’m just ribbing you when I say stuff like that,” she decided on instead.
“No, you’re not.” I called her out. “Maybe when we were younger, that’s all it was. But not now.”
She looked down at her fingernails, neither confirming nor denying, but we both knew. Things like that used to be a tease from her. But after that night that changed everything… she wanted to hurt me.
I couldn’t blame her.
“It’s okay,” I told her. “You don’t owe me some grand apology, or any apology, really. I just…” I shrugged. “I just wanted you to know.”
Riley nodded, and though it wasn’t much, she unfolded her arms where they’d been crossed over her chest, leaning in a little more. It felt like a small truce, like the bones of a very fragile bridge being built over a chasm that’d been between us for years.
“And for the record,” she said, voice low. “I don’t think you’re stupid. If you wanted to get your degree, you could — easily — with just ten percent of the effort you give to football.”
“Nah,” I said, winking at her. “Sounds boring. I’d rather be in the NFL with a mansion and a dozen dope ass cars.”
Riley rolled her eyes, but we shared a smile that eased the pressure off my chest.
The little wrinkle between her brow was just as deep as it had been when I’d first come in and found her studying. I chewed my cheek, surveying the dark circles under her eyes, the way her shoulders slumped.
“You know, I’ve been noticing you changing up your steps a bit in practice this week,” I said. “I’m not trying to put my nose where it doesn’t belong but… you seem a little stressed.”
Riley frowned. “I’m fine.”
“I know everything has picked up. A few wins under our belt… that can be intimidating. If you ever want to talk about—”
