Page 66 of Fragile Love (Fragile 3)
She sighed. “Okay.”
Cayden watched her for a minute, wishing he could do something to wipe the sadness from her heart. It kills me to see her like that, he frowned to himself, and leaned forward. “Hey, Lil.”
She looked up at him with sad puppy eyes, but even those sad eyes held love. “Hmm?”
“Are you feeling okay?”
She waited a minute before giving him a little nod and trying to smile.
“That’s not very convincing,” he said, putting his hand on the table, outstretched and waiting for hers to hold it.
Lillian bit her lip, thinking hard. “I had a dream.”
There we go; that’s something. He knew if he asked her too much or spoke too quickly, he would lose her, and she would shut down again. “Oh yeah?” he asked, hoping that was simple and open enough for her to talk more.
“Yeah.” Her empty eyes rested on his hand, and she timidly put hers against his palm. “It was about Amelia.”
“Was it a good dream?”
She shrugged. “I guess, in a way. It wasn’t an easy dream.”
“Easy?”
“Like, it’s never easy when someone—especially someone you care about—confronts you about all the things you’re anxious about. That’s what the dream was. Amelia was there—we were in our old apartment for a second, then it moved to my house. She sat down on my couch and was petting the cats, and she talked to me about all the negative things I feel.”
“I wish I remembered that many details about my dreams,” he said, but Lillian didn’t respond. He tried again. “What sort of negative things did she mention?”
“Just, well, a lot about you and me. That stuff was particularly hard to hear from her, because it actually has very little to do with our relationship. It was all about how I see myself, and how I let my negative feelings towards myself seep into us.” She faded away for a minute, and Cayden didn’t move, worried that he would rip her away from some insight she was having in that faraway place her mind so often went. At last she came back. “There was a lot about her, too. Mostly just grief that I haven’t let go.”
Cayden recalled their conversation in the hospital when Lillian confessed that she wished she had had the chance to take care of Amelia like she had with Andrew. His accident really wrecked her emotionally, and there was nothing he could say that could alleviate that pain for her. So, he just nodded, waiting for her to open up more.
“Of course, some stuff about how guilty I feel that I didn’t communicate with Andrew and his parents since Amelia passed. But that’s still kind of related to the grief. I mean, I didn’t call or email or visit or anything. I even moved away. Twice. Dammit, Cayden, it was like I was running away from myself. It was impossible.”
“Do you remember what she said?” he asked cautiously.
“The same thing Andrew has told me every time I apologize for it. I needed to do what I needed to do. I couldn’t process all those emotions. I barely can now. But look how everything has gotten better. She told me I need to get my mind out of the negative pool and put it in the positive one. She asked me to list ways my life is better now.”
“What did you list?”
“Andrew is still alive. I reconnected with my ‘parents.’ That kind of stuff.” She did air quotes. “I have a good house and a job that I love, because it helps people and it makes me happy. I told her a lot about you, and she smiled big.”
Cayden was beginning to get entranced. “This is starting to sound like you had a real encounter with her.”
“My dreams are really vivid sometimes,” she said sheepishly, taking her coffee mug in both hands. “I needed it, Cayden. I needed to spend time with her, even if she was telling me all the hard things.”
Her face was already lighter than it was before she started telling him about the dream, and she hadn’t even taken a sip of coffee yet. “I can tell it meant a lot to you,” he said.
“You can? How?”
“You aren’t slouching as much right now as you were a couple of minutes ago. You look more like you had ten hours of sleep and less like you had ten minutes.”
Embarrassed, she held the mug in front of her face.
He moved it away. “Don’t hide. I want to see your big brown eyes.”
She showed one eye, and he winked. Finally, she melted, and a smile touched her lips. “You know, I told her about what happened last night.”
“And?” He felt a twitch deep in his belly.
