Page 66 of Fragile Touch (Fragile 1)
Of course, she would never be able to tell him. He would fly off the handle at her. She never doubted that he loved her; the day he left, he finally said the three words as he held her so tight she thought she might break in half. She said them back, and she meant every letter. And as he walked off through airport security, he had tears in his eyes. That tall, muscular personal trainer who played his party music too loud was crying because of her sick, frail self.
Almost two months later here she was, sitting on her back steps, turning his house key over in her palms. After he left, she spent her spare time over at his place organizing as much as she could. It’ll be a big surprise for him when he gets back soon, she had told herself as she proudly looked at her work.
He didn’t get back soon.
She had this sinking feeling that he would break the news any day now: “I got a job here.” Of course he would, she thought, staring at the sun sinking behind the trees. Hundreds of flowers coated the ground as far as she could see but, in her loneliness, she hadn’t been able to make herself go pick any for drying. He’s got the look. He’s got the body and the charisma and the party spirit. And he’s good at what he does. Anyone would be a fool not to hire him.
He hadn’t even hinted at this yet, and it made her half-glad and half-guilty. The sun disappeared and she felt the first shadows of twilight touch her face.
She realized she wanted him to get a job there. She wanted it to happen.
But why? The question haunted her. It had taken almost two months for her to come to this point of admitting she wanted him to move on to better things, and now the mysterious reason was haunting her.
In the distance, toads croaked and crickets joined in chorus. This moment should have brought her peace like it used to, but the darker the sky became the harder her heart thumped.
I’m not what is best for him. She had been secretly thinking it, but now she knew it was the reason. I shouldn’t have given my heart to him. How could I have? I was stuck in some delusion that a guy like him could possibly be with someone like me. I’m the opposite of the people he’s always around.
She knew he wasn’t cheating on her, and that made her feel even more guilty. He’s so incredible. He should be having the time of his life in L.A. He should be meeting hot girls who love adventure and working out, and have no health worries. That’s the kind of girl he deserves. Not me.
Out of habit, she looked at his house to see all the lights off like they had been every night for the last few weeks. What I would give to see some signs of life over there. But she knew there wouldn’t be for a little while more. There were barely signs of life in her own house.
The silence began to crush her, but it cleared her thoughts. Maybe...maybe I can help him make a decision. I can push him out of this life and into the one that’s better for him.
She knew what she had to do. Her lungs seemed to compress as she took up her phone and opened it to Cayden’s texts.
Pictures of palm trees. State-of-the-art gym equipment. The sleek, modern apartment connected to Janine’s new mansion. Meals that cost half of a monthly paycheck. It was all so enchanting. She looked through the photos of himself that he had sent. He looked like he was meant to be there. He just fit.
Hey hot stuff, thinking of you.
I got my photo taken by a street photographer today!
Are you seeing this matte gold Lamborghini?
All of his messages were so full of energy and enthusiasm. He really is having a great time, she thought. She wished she could take a shot to ease her nerves, but that wasn’t an option while her body adjusted to the new medicine. She would have to suck it up and get this over with.
Ignoring her pounding pulse, she began to type.
Cayden,
I’m sitting here on my back steps looking at the moon and listening to the nighttime noises. It’s lonely here without you, but I can’t begin to tell you how happy it makes me to see you happy there in L.A. I know you’re making friends and loving your new lifestyle. To be honest, you look like you belong there.
I’ve done the thinking that I haven’t wanted to do, but it hit me tonight and I couldn’t put it off any longer. I don’t know how to build up to it, so I’m just going to say it.
I’m not what’s best for you.
There’s no way I can ever compare to the type of woman you deserve. Before you call me in a frenzy to protest, I want you to take a breath and think about it for a minute. I think that deep down we both know it’s true. I’m not bitter about it, nor do I regret our time together. You’ve made my life so much brighter and happier, and I am so thankful for you. But I can’t in good conscience continue to hold you down when you’re at this point in your life of being at your peak, physically and career-wise.
I don’t want to take up more of your time in this message, so I’m going to end it here. I meant it when I said I love you. I really do, and I hope you know how incredible you are. The girl who ends up with you is the luckiest in the world.
Have a wonderful time in L.A.
Love, Lil.
She read it over and over again, trying not to beat herself over the head. The thoughts kept coming anyway. How could I have let him waste his time? Why did I stop him from being with someone better? Did I lead him on? Did I lead myself on?
It took slamming her fist down on her thigh to bring her back to reality. “It doesn’t matter now, Lillian; it’s in the past,” she whispered to herself. Her voice hovered in the thick night air. “I was fine before, and I’m fine now. I’ve made it through hard times before, and I’m still going strong now.”
Hearing those affirmations emanate from her throat did some kind of magic. Yes, she thought, and sat up straighter. I’ve made it through darkness before. I’m going to keep thriving now. It’s only getting better.
