Page 73 of Play Dirty (Brooklyn Dawn 1)

Kyle had been given a room far too close to Lindsey’s. Why that made me grind my teeth together, I didn’t want to analyze. It wasn’t the same kind of jealousy that had ridden me when it came to Logan and Lindsey. It was darker. Different. Laced with so many emotions I couldn’t begin to untangle them all.

So, I went to work.

I closed myself into Logan’s studio and lost myself in a writing session fueled by cup after cup of coffee rather than a bottle at my elbow. Definitely not the same, but I made do.

That was my life now. Making do. Getting by. Figuring out how to survive, not live.

I was still tossing back the rich, heady brew that Izzy stocked—bless her—when dawn began to rise in the east, the soft pink and gold light burning my sore, gritty eyes.

I’d filled pages with scrawled writing and the rubbish bin was overflowing with even more discarded pages. I was buzzing on too much caffeine, too little sleep, and the words trying to escape my brain.

As much as I wished I could just get in my Jeep and leave, I couldn’t. I owed Logan. Beyond that, I owed myself. And I might have apologized to Lindsey for the insulting comments borne from jealousy I’d made to her and Logan, but I hadn’t completely boxed up the green.

Not regarding her and Logan. If I’d been thinking straight, I would’ve known my buddy never would’ve stepped out on his wife like that. They were insanely in love.

And I was just insane. With grief, with regret, with longing.

Now my focus was on Kyle. That he’d looked at Lindsey too long. That he’d made the trip out here for reasons other than what he’d said.

That he might take out his residual anger at me on her.

Hell of a thing to paint myself as a savior, when I’d been the one carrying the scythe all along.

I shoved to my feet and swapped what I was wearing for sweats and traded my now empty coffee mug for a bottle of water. On second thought, I slipped two into the front pocket of my hoodie. I didn’t know why. Maybe I’d be extra thirsty on this crisp cool morning.

Then I tucked a small pad and that blasted floppy-haired pen from the barn in my pocket. Just in case.

After pushing open the door, I stepped outside and stretched. Cool was accurate, although it was miles warmer than last night’s chill. That had warned of oncoming winter. This was the last wheezy gasp of summer, with enough of a cool breeze to remind a body it wouldn’t last.

Nothing good ever did.

I put on my mirrored glasses and took off walking, my destination unclear. Logan’s property was vast, with miles of trees and little pockets of interest with fairy gardens and benches and burbling fountains. Bella’s work, no doubt. She’d done the same with her bookstore, adding quirky little touches that made it not only unique, but welcoming.

Before I headed back to the city, I would have to stop in and pick up a paperback or two. Reading on an electronic device just wasn’t the same. The crinkle of the paper, the solid weight in the hand, the smell of the ink and words trapped and bound—there was nothing like it.

Besides, I hadn’t been to Bella’s store since…

Just since. Yet another thing I’d avoided. Sometimes it felt as if I’d cordoned off my whole life in an attempt to keep some part of myself intact.

If anything could survive when all was lost.

A smile quirked on my lips as I tugged out the small pad and pen I’d tucked in with the now sweating waters. Clearly, I was spending too much time alone. I was beginning to think my meanderings were worthy of writing down.

Still, I sat down on the grass and jotted down a few lines. Lindsey sneaked in of course, as she always did. This morning, I wasn’t feeling particularly charitable, but not due to any fault of hers. I was mad at myself. She was the brass ring, and I was the asshole in a perpetual state of yearning.

Worse than a teenage boy when it came to her.

I crossed them out and wrote a few more.

Bad for me is what you are

Dragging me back to my dark

Don’t need a new drug

To crave

Truer words had never been spoken. That die had been cast years ago.

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