Page 10 of Play Dirty (Brooklyn Dawn 1)

The opening chords of “Barracuda” screamed out into the night.

The spotlights twirled around the stage below us while the red and purple lights from the base of Jamie’s triangular glider threw up eerie streaks. The glitter of my costume’s bodice picked up all the flash and fire of the crimson and lavender lights. I widened my stance to show off the m

ile of leg and body jewelry that dripped off me.

The Heart lyrics were as familiar as my own. If I was going to shred my voice, I might as well head into Ann Wilson’s territory. It was one of the few songs that Jamie actually liked to sing with me. Her voice was Joan Jett-raw with just as much sandpaper.

We performed the song as we soared over the crowd. Jamie killed the solo and we both headbanged our way through the end of it. The crowd was with us the entire time, shouting the lyrics back to us as we created a little singalong jam near the bridge. Jamie and Zane dueled and lengthened the outro for an extra two minutes so we could make it back to the stage.

Sweat poured off Jamie’s arms and neck. Her inky dark hair tipped in violent red stuck to her skin before she flipped it back with a wild grin. We both laughed and hugged as one of our stagehands helped us down.

“Holy shit,” I said into my microphone as I slowly sauntered back to the center of the stage. “Think we can slow it down for a minute?” I gripped my mic, then touched my forehead to the warm, familiar metal casing. We were back on track and the light, airy notes of “Ruin” drifted into the night.

I hated and loved the song in equal parts.

It was wrapped in memories. Even after a handful of years, it still had the power to make my belly clench and my heart race. I’d written it after that night in New York City. After that rash, ridiculous, regrettable night that had ruined me for too many nights to count.

Handily, the name of the club was a harbinger to exactly what I’d done that night.

The song started soft and built with each layered chord. Some nights I played it with Teagan. Sometimes I needed the bench seat to remind myself of a single moment of madness. Of what I could never do to myself again.

Liar, he did it. You just took it.

I slammed my eyes shut and poured my soul into the song. The screams and voices echoing my words were put in a box. Tonight, the memories were too close to the surface.

I didn’t need the reminder of the piano.

I didn’t need the vibration of notes under my fingers.

It was all I could do to let the words escape my chest. Letting the cracks show for the crowd was my job. Sometimes I kept myself buttoned down, sometimes I only allowed the mirror of what they wanted to see.

Sometimes I sang through a nightmare.

Midnight eyes full of taunts and accusations, black, mussed hair sifting between my fingers, strong hands that ripped at my skin at the same time they offered pleasure so profound I’d never found its match again.

He’d split me open like an offering to some god I hadn’t been aware of. And when I’d been bled dry, he’d tossed me aside like a shell crushed on the beach.

To know that level of pleasure only to be left empty-handed had shook me to the core. Words had been log-jammed in my head for weeks.

Until this song.

Until I’d allowed myself to remember it all and etch it into paper. A painful reminder I had to sing again and again. So I could relive my mistake and vow never to let it happen again.

I’d wrapped myself up so tightly in the song I wasn’t aware I’d crashed to my knees until I opened my eyes to glimpse the shocked faces in the arena. Thousands of phones were raised to capture my little death on the stage.

I let my hair fall forward to shield myself from their eyes, both personal and digital.

The lights went out, allowing me time to gather myself. Jamie was at my side in a moment.

“You all right?”

“Yeah, just got caught up.”

“Fuck yeah, you did. Scared me for a second.”

Even Jamie didn’t know about the story behind “Ruin”. She didn’t know about him. Even his name was on lockdown.

I gripped her fingers for a moment before escaping to my piano at the back of the stage. I was supposed to play head-to-head with Teagan for the next song, but I couldn’t face my piano bench just yet.

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