Page 37 of Light in the Dark (Heaven and Hell Duet 2)

“What are we doing?” I ask.

“You’ll see.”

When we pull into the parking lot of a pet store I could not be

more confused. FC simply takes my hand once we’re out of the car and leads me inside. He leads me right to the section where cats are available for adoption.

“How can anyone have a bad day after petting cats?” he asks me with a mischievous little grin.

“We aren’t adopting one, are we?” I pet a cute little black cat with wide green eyes.

FC laughs. “No. I don’t think either of us are in any kind of shape to get a pet right now, but maybe once we move in together.”

“Would you be very disappointed in me if I said fish are probably all I’ll ever be able to handle?”

He wraps an arm around my shoulder. “No, love. Not at all. We’re only here for a pick-me-up in the form of cute cats.” He kisses my temple and then teases a tiny white cat by sticking his finger through the gate and letting him attempt to paw at it.

It’s adorable to watch all the kittens and cats. I actually feel better twenty minutes later when we leave and I hope they all find good forever homes. Next, FC takes us to a bowling alley. Apparently, tonight is all about having fun and not thinking about any problems. That totally works for me. We’re both pretty terrible at bowling, so the winner will be the best of the worst.

I somehow manage a strike. It’s almost the best feeling in the world. But seeing that in this moment, FC is having just as much fun, that makes it worth the gutter ball I roll on my next turn. We need to make sure we have more nights like tonight. Nights full of more laughter and happiness. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

The weather slowly warms as Idaline continues to work on the lasting effects of Lila’s death and while I attend counseling. They wanted to send me to Alcoholics Anonymous, but I shut that shit down. That’s not how I want to handle my recovery. One-on-one counseling works great so far and that’s what I plan to stick with for all my issues.

Idaline sleeps better thanks to her sleeping pills. I’m learning how to squelch my anxieties that Lila planted. Sawyer has met his other set of grandparents and surprisingly, that hasn’t turned into a shit show. They’ve seen him twice so far. They bring a gift each time and they play with him the entire time. They want to meet my parents the next time they come, so that’s on the agenda. They always ask about Idaline, which I think is a good sign, but I don’t know how long it’ll take before Idaline is willing to meet them or vice versa.

We’re not worrying about it too much right now. Instead, we’re focusing on ourselves and our relationship. For example, tonight’s date night. Sawyer is with Nana, so it’s the two of us at my apartment. We’ve gone out a few times in the past month, but tonight, we’re staying in. I have the perfect date night idea too.

“Oh, Freeley Clemeth! I’m home!” Idaline sings as she walks in.

“Don’t start, love,” I warn. “Or I’ll scrap tonight’s plan and you’ll be so disappointed.”

She stops halfway to the kitchen with a hearty inhale. “It smells like a fair in here.”

Perfect. “It’s supposed to. Come here and enjoy the feast. We have corn rolled in butter, fried oreos, cotton candy, corn dogs, and chocolate-covered bacon.”

“I love you,” she replies with wide eyes as she picks up some cotton candy. “Already the best date ever. Thanks, FC.”

“Welcome.” I sit down next to her and pick up a corn dog. “How was your visit today?” She had both therapy and a visit with her psychiatrist.

“They think I’m at a point to wean myself off of the sleeping pills. I missed a night here and there and did okay without it, so that should be a good sign. My therapist thinks that if I meet Lila’s parents next time they come down to see Sawyer that maybe it will help me eliminate the guilt I still have. Otherwise, I’m mostly better.”

Which is fantastic to hear. I can tell she’s doing better because her attitude has improved and she doesn’t seem as if the weight of the world is on her shoulders. Only a portion of it. Her eyes wait expectantly for a response on how my counseling is going since she has shared her bit. But I struggle with sharing.

For some reason, I find it difficult to talk about my visits like she does. Sometimes, she shares so much detail, and I don’t want to get down to the nitty gritty like that. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and tell her that I won’t be talking about my counseling like she talks about her therapy visits. That’s what it would make me, right? I would be a hypocrite to ask her how she’s doing and then refuse to reply with full, concrete answers in return.

I’ve talked to my counselor about this, too. Apparently, I now have a fear of confrontation, which sounds crazy to me because I would fire back at Lila at times. So, why am I scared of that with Idaline? My brain makes no sense. But because I’m too worried about her response, I don’t say anything and instead force myself to give an answer that satisfies her but is still within my comfort zone. He says I just need to tell her and that she’ll be fine with it.

I don’t believe him.

With a deep breath, I answer, “It’s a process, you know?” She nods. Good sign. “He sometimes tells me I’m a bad patient.” I expect her to laugh, but she frowns. Not a good a sign. Abort! “We’re working on my issues, though.”

“If you’re a bad patient, then you aren’t doing what he says, FC,” Idaline tells me quietly. “He’s only trying to help.”

“I know. Whatever I don’t do is because I disagree with him or don’t believe he’s right.”

Oh, that’s a really bad answer. Idaline stands angrily, the chair nearly tipping backward from the force, and she moves all the way over to the sink. Her hands ball into fists by her sides. My stupid little mind focuses on that more than anything else.

Can a person ever really, truly, without a doubt know that their spouse won’t turn abusive on them? Sure, I want to say I believe Idaline never would, but how do I know for sure? This paranoia doesn’t want to abandon me, though I desperately wish it would. My counselor says it comes down to trust.

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