Page 52 of You Before Me

“Yeah, I think so.” Love isn't a bad thing, right? It's massively scary with a huge potential for pain, but it's supposed to be better to love than to never experience it. At least, that's how that old saying goes. I should be just fine either way then. If I could only stop feeling out of place and crazy.

Viv nods, satisfied with my answer, and in the moments before class, I manage to get us appointments for later today.

* * *

Even though I feel a bit greasy from the massage oil, my mind and body are in much better states after our massages. Viv and I are now getting a mani/pedi.

“Okay, Ryan. What the hell is going on?” She asks curiously, waiting for me to explain things.

I don't look at her because for some reason, I feel weak for admitting this. Not because of it, but more because I'm scared. The more I think about it, the more terrified I feel. Gabe does have the power here, he always has, and even though he doesn't know it, he has the capacity to ruin me. To damage me more so than I already am.

“It's Gabe,” I mumble, watching the woman work on my feet. In between classes, I already told her about what he did for my birthday, so she's rooting for Gabe. From the corner of my eye, I can see Viv perk up, eager to hear what else I have to say. But it won't happen that easily. So I do what I do best.

Ramble.

“I've never met a guy like him. One that wants me for more than what my body can offer. I mean, even I never wanted more than that. Not at this point in my life anyway. I was happy with that and more than happy to offer it. It's not like it was a one way street, you know? I wanted to give it as much as they wanted it, but Gabe,” I shake my head, “he makes me think about the possibility of more, to want more.” I pause to take a deep breath, still occupied with the woman's work on my feet. “It's weird,” I chuckle in disbelief.

It is weird. I've never wanted more than sex. Never really thought about it. And now, it's all I can think about. What does more even mean? Do we keep going as we are now? How would things change with love involved? Will everything go down in a disaster like with my parents? I pause my inner thoughts and continue talking to Viv.

“Sex has always been my go-to and all I wanted from boys. Anything more could wait until after college at least. Then Gabe waltzed right in, and I'm fumbling to figure out what the hell I'm doing. He's sweet, thoughtful, good. He's throwing me off my game, Viv. I want to know everything to the last detail about him. I stupidly want to meet his parents and have them like me, which is already nearly hopeless. I want to give him every part of me to the fullest.

“He makes me feel like I can openly voice my opinions without blatantly being turned down. This is new territory for me, and I don't know how to operate. I feel like I'm walking through a minefield and to make matters worse,” I stop, taking a moment to recollect myself. “I think I'm in love with him, Viv.” Finally, I cut my eyes over to her, and she's grinning.

r />

“Does he know?”

“Hell no!” I screech, causing heads to glance at us. Calmly, I add, “Do you really think I would tell him this until I can get myself under control? Besides, aren't guys supposed to say it first or something?”

Viv laughs. “There are no rules, Ryan. Love has its own set of secret rules. I'm happy for you, though. This means you'll stop sleeping with all the guys on campus.” I can't help my giggle. “In all seriousness, Gabe at the very least cares for you. I think you should tell him, find out how he feels, and then go from there.”

“And if he doesn't feel the same? Won't he feel pressured to say it to me?” I grimace at the thought. “Or he'll stop seeing me completely, thinking I'm fucking crazy.”

“No, he won't. If Gabe is the kind of guy he sounds like he is, then he'll appreciate your honesty and won't freak out. Hopefully.”

“Hopefully,” I grumble.

“Wait a little longer though. You need to be sure of yourself.”

So over the next few days, I do a lot of thinking, trying to make sure that I'm sure. All it does is confuse me. What does Gabe expect from me? That's what I need to know. It all comes down to that one question, and I want an answer. He's never told me his expectations. If I knew that, then I would feel a hell of a lot better about us. Whatever we are. I would know how to move forward and whether I bury my feelings or go with the program to let the pieces fall where they may.

My stomach sinks because whatever Gabe is hoping to gain from me, I'm sure this will end up like everything else. I won't be good enough. Not for a relationship, not for him, and certainly not for his love. Everyone expects certain things from me, expectations I've never been able to reach. The odds have been against us from the start. His parents don't think he should be seeing me. My parents don't think so either because he's too old. Could something last between us if we're doomed to fail from the start according to those around us?

Damn it. I need to stop. This is getting ridiculous, and my rambling train is flying off the tracks. The fire painting and what I felt when I saw it comes to mind. Maybe I should make a trip back. It couldn't hurt, and a chance to see everything again would be fun. I could go tomorrow.

First, I have to get home from my class for my ticket. This week has been full of homework, texting Gabe, thinking too much, and classes. I haven't been to a party since that one after I met Gabe, and it feels odd. Only because it's a change in routine, though. Instead of going out, getting drunk, dancing, and sleeping with a random guy, I've been hanging out with Gabe. I don't miss it though. Not really. If I'm honest, I would even go as far as to say that I like things better this way.

I'm enjoying learning Gabe's body and what he likes. I like that he's learning those same things about me. We've developed an intimacy between us, something more than simple touches that don't mean a thing, and I think that's my favorite part. He's sweet and thoughtful, and I hope he'll let me stick around for a long time.

Once I park and get out of my car, I wrap my jacket tighter around me as I walk up the stairs to my apartment, keeping my eyes down at the ground to watch my step. When I look up after the last step, Gabe is leaning against my door with his arms folded over his chest, his focus on his crossed ankles. He looks so good like that.

“Gabe? What are you doing here?”

He lifts his head with a smile. “I wanted to see you.”

“How long have you been waiting in the cold?” I ask as he steps aside, so I can unlock my door.

“Not long. I knew about what time you would be here, so I came over.”

---