Page 53 of Kidnapped by the Pirate
“It’s nothing,” Hawk insisted.
“Nothing? What do you call that scene I walked in on?”
He squared his shoulders. “I call it none of your damn business. Since when do you barge into my cabin like that?”
“Since you didn’t come up for the change of watch like you always do. The men get antsy when there’s an alteration in routine. Routine is what keeps us all alive and well and working in concert.” He lowered his voice, hissing, “And I had good reason to be concerned, given our prisoner had a fucking blade to your throat!”
Hawk gritted his teeth. “It was a lesson.”
“In what, exactly?”
“Knife skills. He should know how to defend himself.”
Snell blinked for a few moments, his eyebrows almost meeting the receding line of his thin hair. “You think our prisoner should know how to defend himself?”
“Not against us. For the future.” What would that be? Would Nathaniel really strike out on his own?
“Since when do you care about that little fuck’s future beyond the prize he will attain for us?”
Clenching his fists against the urge to grab his friend by the collar and demand respect for Nathaniel, Hawk turned to the rail and gazed out at the horizon where the stars and sea became one.
Rubbing a weary hand over his face, Snell leaned on the rail beside him. “It’s one thing to have a bit of sport and bugger him—although I’ve never known you to care much for that.”
It was true, and for a mad moment, Hawk wanted to confess that he felt as though he was under some spell. That he couldn’t get enough of Nathaniel’s touch, of his breathy moans and sheer delight in fucking. How his innocent passion made Hawk feel young again, his body’s aches and pains somehow erased.
The way Nathaniel listened avidly when Hawk read to him. The warmth of him curling near as they slept, Hawk sharing his bed for the first time since John. Why shouldn’t he have something good, even if it came from a most unexpected source? Even if it was for a brief flicker of time?
After a few moments, Snell added, “And I’m sure you realize he’s only bending over for you to save his skin.”
A furious denial whipped through him, and Hawk barely resisted the urge to slam his fist into Snell’s face. He clenched his jaw and exhaled. “Perhaps. It matters not. Why shouldn’t I take my pleasure?”
“Buggering the brat is one thing. It’s another altogether to allow him any sort of advantage. To put yourself in danger. You can’t trust him. You know that.”
Intellectually, yes. Yet his soul protested. Hawk couldn’t explain it and didn’t try.
Finally Snell sighed. “Well, as I said—the motion has passed by a wide margin. They see it as only fair that Bainbridge be allowed fresh air. I think I should suggest he take a hammock with us in the forecastle. I’ll keep a close watch. It’s not safe to have him in your cabin.”
Hawk gripped the rail, indignation rising. “I haven’t forced him, if that’s what—”
“Not safe for you, for fuck’s sake. The dagger was at your throat, and while you may not see the danger, it is increasingly obvious to me.”
“He’s staying in my cabin until the ransom exchange.” As Snell opened his mouth, Hawk bit out, “End of discussion. Do your job and make sure the men don’t get too attached. Or it will be harder when the time comes to hand him over.”
Snell glared. “Indeed it will. Or when the time comes to kill him if his father doesn’t pay.”
Stomach knotting, bile in his throat, Hawk eked out a nod, knowing without any doubt that Nathaniel’s death was not something he could perpetrate or allow. Still, he did not pretend they could have a future together; that was too fantastical a notion to entertain beyond daydreams. This madness was temporary, and Hawk comforted himself with that.
Snell said, “I’ll remind the men. And you’d do damn well to remember yourself.”
“The money is what matters,” he insisted. In the end, it had to be. That was the way of their world.
“Indeed it is. We could be chasing other prizes, and instead we’re twiddling our thumbs. They all want their share of what you promised.” He looked to Nathaniel, who had turned and watched them now. Had the wind carried snatches of their conversation? Snell added grimly, “If the men don’t get their prize, sentiment will only go so far.”
Nodding, Hawk faced the stern, his back to Nathaniel’s intent gaze. Snell took his leave belowdecks, and Hawk pulled out his spyglass to survey the horizon and calm his racing heart. His view of the world at a remove was sharp as ever even though his mind was hopelessly muddled.
Snell was right. Hawk should distance himself from Nathaniel immediately. Sever whatever this strange tie between them was. Regain his fucking senses. Fine, so he wouldn’t kill Nathaniel. That didn’t mean he had to allow himself to sink any deeper into the abyss.
