Page 65 of Kidnapped by the Pirate
Without glancing back at Nathaniel, Hawk strode out and up to the tree line, well out of earshot of the tent. His boots were already too hot, and he hadn’t put on his belt. He squared his shoulders and stiffened his spine, swatting at a fly. “What is it, Mr. Quartermaster?”
Snell exhaled a long breath, his lips in a thin line. “Well, Captain, I want to make sure your head’s in the game. The head atop your shoulders, for the record. Because the crew are starting to wonder.”
Hawk kept his tone even, aware of the men’s eyes on them across the beach. Had Tully been sowing more seeds of resentment? “If they’re so keen to elect a new captain, they should have at it.”
“What kind of nonsense is that?”
“Maybe it would be for the best. I could…move on.”
Sighing, Snell shook his head, shoulders slumping. “For fuck’s sake, Hawk. I know you’ve been restless. But I tell you I’ve seen it before, and there’s no way you’d be satisfied doing anything else. The only rules we have are our own. Not fucking England’s tyranny. Would you really go back to that? Not that they’d have you. You’re a wanted man in the New World and old.”
“Surely there’s another way to make a life out of England’s reach. A Spanish island, or French. Or somewhere new entirely. It won’t be easy, but… Well, why the fuck shouldn’t I try? Why shouldn’t I live to be a fat old man with my lover at my side instead of this constant struggle to survive?”
Snell’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t tell me you’re dreaming about that fancy little lord.”
It was all Hawk could do to keep from slamming his fist into Snell’s pudgy, weathered face, a face he’d always regarded with affection. He vibrated with violence begging to be unleashed.
Hands lifting in surrender, Snell shook his head. He lowered his voice, pleading. “Tell me you don’t really think he’d want you? Once he’s back in civilization, in a grand house, with pretty girls and hot baths at the snap of his fingers, succulent meat on his plate every night? As much as he enjoyed your cock, do you really think Bainbridge’s son would give up a life of luxury and riches for you?”
Hawk wanted to scream Yes! He managed to get out, “He said he didn’t want that. He said…” Hawk was flayed apart, bare under the cloudless sky, sweat beading on his forehead.
The sympathy in Snell’s eyes was the worst thing. “He said whatever he thought you wanted to hear. He’s a clever lad. He’s kept himself not only alive, but in comfort. Granted far more freedom than any prisoner I’ve ever seen. You remember what you told us the night we captured him? Not to be taken in by him. Not to be ensnared. I fear it is too late, but you must heed your own words, Hawk. I’m begging you. And if you actually care for him, let him have his privileged life.”
Hawk opened his mouth, then snapped it shut again.
Snell went on. “He’s young. He was caught up in adventure, warming a pirate captain’s bed. It was a fantasy for you both. Don’t do this to yourself. I’ve seen many a sailor chase after some sweet young thing, and it always ends the same. I don’t want that disappointment for you. That lad has his whole life before him. Truly, what can you offer? Think about it. The reality is, we’re thieves. Killers.”
Denial sparked, and Hawk spat, “Because Bainbridge cheated us and branded us pirates. Criminals.” Snell was silent for a few long heartbeats, assessing him with an unreadable expression, until Hawk shifted on his feet, desperation clawing at him. “Well, he did!”
“Aye. And we embraced it. We made the Sea Hawk one of the most feared names in these waters in a few short years. We stole and we killed. Yes, there are other pirates who are worse. We haven’t raped or tortured under your watch. But don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re something other than what you are.”
Hawk jerked as Snell gently clasped his arm. “You’re too good at this to give it up. You don’t know any other way to live. You’ll forget him before long, and these doldrums will pass. You’ll remember what you love about the sea and hunting our next prize.”
Hawk’s throat was bone-dry, but he scraped out, “What’s wrong with wanting a little peace?”
Snell sighed and gave his arm a final squeeze. “Men like us don’t get peace.”
Hawk watched the closest thing he had to a friend turn away and rejoin the crew. Snell was right. Hawk didn’t deserve a moment of serenity. He didn’t deserve a life with a man as bright and beautiful and good as Nathaniel. More importantly, Nathaniel deserved better than a scarred, worn-down pirate with too much blood on his hands. Hawk knew this.
