Page 83 of Valor on the Move
“I know.” Rafa rubbed his smooth cheek against Shane’s palm, his hands warm on Shane’s back as he inched closer. “I told them it wasn’t you. I was dying not being able to see you. Can we text? Or I could call you from Ash’s phone if you give me your number. That way it won’t be so bad waiting to see you again.”
“Raf…we can’t do that. You know I can’t.” Shane dropped his hands and stepped back, keeping Rafa at bay with a hand on his chest. “It’s not possible.”
“We’ll find a way!” Rafa glanced at the closed door and lowered his voice. “Shane, I can’t…I need to see you. Need to be with you.”
Shane dropped his hand, because the longer he touched him, the harder this was. “You’re young, and—”
“Don’t! Don’t use that bullshit excuse.” His eyes flashed. “I may be younger than you, but I know what I want. I know what I feel. Don’t dismiss me like I’m a dumb kid.”
“You’re right. But you’ll feel it again, Rafa. Right now it’s new and exciting, and forbidden. But that will fade. You’re just starting out. You’re going to Australia, right?” A selfish part of him wanted Rafa to say no, even though it wouldn’t change anything. He could never stay in the service and date a former protectee.
So quit the damn job.
Shane gave his head a mental shake, shocked at the thought. He’d worked almost seventeen years in the service. He’d get his pension after twenty-five. This was his career. His life.
Wasn’t it?
“But even if I go to Australia, we could still… There’s Skype and phones, and all that stuff.”
“Rafa, you have the whole world to explore. There are so many experiences waiting. Even if we could, you don’t want to be tied down to an old man.”
Rafa’s nostrils flared. “You’re not old. So, you think I should go fuck a bunch of other guys? That I won’t want you anymore? That this is just…what? A crush?”
Shane forced the lie out. “Yes.”
“You’re wrong. You’re so wrong.”
“Even if we were just two people who were free to be together, I’m too old for you. We both know it.”
Rafa shook his head. “Bullshit. I don’t accept that.”
He’d never heard Rafa so forceful, and it sent fire through Shane’s blood. God, he wanted to throw him against the door and rut together. But Shane forced himself to say what needed to be said. “I can’t see you again. It doesn’t matter how much I want to. I was wrong to cross the line. You know that.”
“But…” Rafa’s shoulders sagged.
“I’m putting in for a transfer,” Shane said quietly.
“You’re leaving?” Rafa’s eyes shone.
“It’s for the best. It would only make it harder if I stayed in DC.”
“In January I’ll be out of here. No one will be watching me anymore.”
“If they ever found out what happened while you were my protectee…”
Rafa jammed his hands in his pockets. “Yeah. I know. I just wish…” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “But I guess if wishes were horses we’d all have a horse, or whatever.”
Shane smiled softly. “Yeah, something like that.”
Rafa breathed in and out for a few moments. His voice was barely a whisper. “Where will you go?”
“I’m thinking the Santa Ana field office. It’s in Orange County, where I grew up. I…it’s time I went home for a little while. Thanks to you, I’ve been thinking about it more and more. When my parents died—” He inhaled sharply, forcing himself to keep going. “When they died, I didn’t want to ever think about home again. Not surfing, or beaches—none of it. Because then I’d think about them, and that I wasn’t there to save them.”
“You can’t save everyone,” Rafa said quietly. He took Shane’s hand. “I know you think you should because of what you do, but there was nothing you could do.”
Shane gripped his fingers, wanting so much to pull him close again. “Logically, I know you’re right. But I still need to work on accepting it.” He tried to smile. “Need to wade through my bullshit.”
“So it’s all decided.”
It was so tempting to let Rafa talk him out of it, but Shane nodded. “Transferring is usually a bitch, but after what happened, I think they’ll be accommodating. I just need to get away from DC. It’ll be good for me to go back. Get my head on straight. Figure out my priorities.” Try to forget about you.
Rafa stared at their feet. “I don’t want you to go, but I understand why you have to. I guess it’s easy for me to say that we’d be able to work something out. It’s not my career on the line.” He met Shane’s gaze with big brown eyes, his dark eyelashes glittering with unshed tears. “But I hate it.”
Giving in and tugging him close, Shane wrapped Rafa in his arms one last time. “Me too,” he whispered. He kissed the side of Rafa’s head. “You’d better check that sauce. I’m glad your mother’s coming around. You’re going to do just fine.”
