Page 35 of Can This Be Love?

‘Would that make you proud of me?’

‘I am already very proud of you, Rajeev … but yes, I would be super-proud of you if you got through LBS!’

Rajeev had smiled a slow smile and the gorgeous beauty of his face distracted me yet again.

My phone rang, bringing me back into the present. It was Purva. I looked at my watch; it was 11.35 p.m.

I ignored the phone and turned to another email from Rajeev, dated December last year.

This one had an attachment.

Dear Kasturi,

I am in Vienna for a two-day break and guess what? It is snowing! Here is a picture of the hotel’s front lawn.

I miss you.

Rajeev

I opened the attachment and drew in a sharp breath. There was a picture of Rajeev, standing in the middle of what can only be described as a pool of snow. Packed in clothes and looking, if possible, even more handsome, he held in his hands a stick. He was looking up at the camera, grinning as he wrote with that stick the ‘I’ of ‘KASTURI’ in the snow.

I closed my eyes, unable to take it all in. What about Teena?

A quick search threw up some emails that had the word ‘Teena’ in them. I opened one, my heart pounding.

Dear Kasturi,

Today, I booked a date for the GMAT exam and am already feeling nervous. If you were still part of my life, Kas, I would just sit by your feet and put my head in your lap. I don’t think I have ever written an exam like this – armed with hours of prep, notes, practice tests and all.

I smiled.

I can almost see you smiling when you read this. I am sure this appeals to the geek in you

Teena got married yesterday, to some fellow her folks found for her in a matter of days. Kas, I know you probably feel that I never loved you … and that it was Teena all the way for me…

It was and then it was not.

I wish I could explain it all without sounding like the scum of the planet … but I can’t. I thought I was in love with Teena, but I was not. I thought I was never going to fall for you but … guess what? I did. I fell in love with you so spectacularly that I don’t think I will ever be able to forget you or forgive myself…

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your bright, twinkling eyes. I miss you. I miss you so very much.

Rajeev.

I sat still for a few minutes, my head in my hands. What had just hit me?

3 April 2013, 4.00 a.m.

I sat with my head in my hands, eyes swollen from the frenzied reading of the last three hours. Each email had been read and, some that had resonated more deeply than others, reread. Memories came rushing back to me in waves, each bigger than the last, each bringing with it a searing pain that I did not know what to do with.

And now I understood all that they say about your first love.

There was a desolate longing in Rajeev’s emails that I knew was real. He was trying very hard to be the man I’d thought I’d been in love with … how could I not be affected? As I had moved on, found love and created a new life for myself, Rajeev had clung to my aspirations for him and was now dedicating his life to fulfilling them.

For too long, Rajeev had been the bad guy, the man I was best without. Rajeev’s remorse shook something inside me. And the one question that had been niggling around me for the last few days finally dared to raise its ugly, monstrous head.

Was I still in love with Rajeev?

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