Page 91 of The Holiday Ex-Files

Amid the calm, I heard the crunch of snow. I opened my eyes to find Noah walking down the trail. His hands were shoved in his pockets, and his turkey headband was gone; instead, he wore a pensive expression. I seemed to bring that out in him. Regardless, my heart pitter-pattered while I begged it not to. Noah wasn’t meant to be mine.

I rubbed my cold hands together. “Hey,” I whispered.

“Hi,” Noah’s deep voice rumbled in the dark. “Happy Thanksgiving, Cams.”

“You’re talking to me now?” I didn’t mean to be snarky. I knew I had screwed up last Saturday, but the feelings I had for him made his silence hurt.

He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes. “Cams, you frustrate the hell out of me.”

“I know. And I’m sorry.” I stood and trudged through the snow to the water’s edge. A memory so sweet hit me. It was the magic of this place. Or maybe it was Noah. He lived in so many of my memories. I thought back to a night long ago when Noah, Ben, Mara and I, along with a few other friends, had all decided to camp out down there. Everyone else had fallen asleep but Noah and me. We lay in our sleeping bags, heads propped up on our arms, and talked for hours and hours, until the sun began to rise. We talked about everything from if we believed in God to if we thought the Dodgers would make it to the World Series that year. I wanted us to be able to be friends like that again. I would forget that I had any romantic feelings for him, if only we could go back to how things were. I realized how much I wanted him to be a part of my life.

“Cams.” He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

I turned around and naturally snuggled into him and held on like he was a lifeline. I didn’t say anything. I just soaked him and his goodness and friendship in. I did my best not to wish we could be more or to revel in how intoxicating his warm breath felt across my skin.

Noah broke the silence. “What’s troubling you? Why did you come out here alone?”

I leaned away and was caught by his intense blue eyes boring into my own, begging to understand me. The consternation I caused him was apparent in the lines on his face. He needed to know the truth about why I was so neurotic. And I knew I needed to be the one to tell him.

“Noah, I know I’ve screwed up and frustrated you and been a terrible friend, but I have my reasons. Reasons so painful, I couldn’t tell you.”

He rested his forehead against mine. “Cams, you can tell me anything.”

I tried my best not to think about how close our lips were or how inviting his breath was. “How’s Annika?” I asked out of the blue. I needed a link to reality something fierce.

“I don’t want to talk about her right now,” he snarled.

Was there trouble in paradise? I tried not to be too giddy about that.

“Just tell me what you need to. Please,” he begged like his life depended on it.

Do it, please. Let the poison out. It’s been festering for so long.

Sparkles was right. I had let it build up over the years until it poisoned me against myself. “Noah.” My lips quivered, and not from the cold. “I was pregnant.” I hadn’t said those words in so long. Tears streamed down my face, letting the poison out a drop at a time.

Noah leaned away, and his strong hands worked their way up and cradled my face. “When?”

“The night I came home early to surprise Ben,” my voice trembled. “That was the surprise.”

“Cams.” Noah’s thumbs gently wiped away as many tears as they could.

“It made his betrayal a thousand times worse,” I stammered.

“That bastard,” Noah raged, but only for a moment. He kissed my forehead. His warm lips were like a balm to my soul. “What happened to the baby, Cams?” he hesitated to ask.

“I lost it,” I blubbered. “I woke up early on Christmas morning in so much pain. And then the bleeding started. And it kept going and going and going. Mara took me to the emergency room, but there was nothing they could do—other than tell me my hormone levels indicated I had been pregnant but I was miscarrying. They sent me home and I felt as if I’d lost everything. I never wanted another Christmas. I didn’t even want to be myself anymore. Something inside of me broke.”

“Cams.” He held me tight.

My head fell on his chest, and I soaked it with my tears. “No matter what Ben had done to me, I thought it would have been worth it just to have my baby. That baby offered me light in a darkness so black, I thought I wouldn’t see my way out of it. And then my baby was gone too. The light turned off and it wasn’t until recently that I wanted to turn it back on.” I burrowed my head into his chest as deep as I could. “Noah, I’m so sorry I’ve ignored you and frustrated you. You’ve been a wonderful friend, and I know I’m kind of screwed up, but I want you to know how much your friendship means to me. Please be patient. I swear I’ll get it all figured out.”

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