Page 30 of The Holiday Ex-Files

Besides, I was like a dating camel. I had gone a long time between watering holes in the desert, so to speak. I meant to keep it that way, but sometimes it was hard not to get thirsty.

“Christmas,” he taunted me.

I clucked my tongue while clutching my heart. “Excuse me. My house. My rules.”

“As far as I can tell, you need some new ones. For you and your dog’s sake.”

I slumped against the couch. “Maybe,” I squeaked. “But don’t say that word.”

“We’ll ease into it.” He grinned.

I groaned, knowing how childish it was. But honestly, if you wanted to talk about a nightmare before the C-word, I felt like I kind of took the cake.

“Hey.” He scooted closer. “I have a plan.”

I raised my brows.

“Don’t look so skeptical. This plan is foolproof.”

“Uh-huh.” I was totally skeptical.

He handed Neville over to me so he could pull something up on his phone. When he held it up, I saw what looked like a spreadsheet. “What’s that?”

“My overly organized sister made this. I don’t know if you remember me mentioning she’s pregnant with twin girls. She just got put on bed rest.”

I snuggled Neville tight. I did remember him telling me that Shanna was pregnant, but I’d glossed over it. Not because I begrudged anyone such a beautiful gift. It’s just that longing for something you’ve lost and will probably never have, always takes your breath away. When I finally caught it, I responded. “I didn’t know she was on bed rest. Is everything okay?”

“Babies are healthy, they just want to make an appearance before it’s showtime.”

It was sweet how tenderly Noah spoke about his nieces.

“When is she due?”

“The end of the year.”

“That’s a long time to be on bed rest.”

“The doctors are hoping to at least get her to the first week in December. Which is why I’ve been helping with the boys. A lot actually. I would have been by earlier this week, but with my mom gone now,” he choked up a bit, “I’ve been trying to do what I can.”

Oh. Oh. Oh. My insides squirmed with hot shame. When I’d heard last year that his sweet mom, Penny, had passed suddenly from a pulmonary embolism after a routine gall bladder surgery, I was shocked and saddened. But I couldn’t bring myself to contact Noah. Even when he first messaged me at the beginning of this year about cropping an ex out of a photo for him, I didn’t offer my condolences. I was too busy worrying about myself and him trying to reinsert himself into my life. Who had I become?

You should have called him or at least sent a card, Miss Sparkly berated me.

I know. I know. I feel terrible.

“Noah.” I bit my lip. My eyes even got a sheen over them. “I’m so sorry about your mom. I should have said that earlier. I should have done a lot of things. You shouldn’t even want to be friends with me.” The tears started to trickle down my cheeks. That set off a chain reaction as if my body were saying, “Finally.” I had held back my emotions for so long, biology took over. We are talking the floodgates burst open and I was ugly crying with a capital U.

Noah didn’t even flinch. Instead, he took Neville and placed him on the couch next to me before enveloping me in his arms. My head landed on his shoulder and I sobbed. I mourned for all I had lost, especially the loss of myself. I cried because I was scared. I clung to Noah because for the first time in a long time, I felt safe to be me, even if it was only for a few minutes.

Noah did all the right things by not speaking and trying to make it better. He only stroked my hair and held on just enough. Enough that I didn’t feel suffocated, yet I knew I was being sheltered from the storm that raged inside of me. I had been here once before with him. It was after I posted all my cropped wedding photos online. Noah was the first one to me. And even though I had accused him of covering for Ben, he still took me in his arms and comforted me. After that, he helped me take down the last tree I ever had. Something he’d said to me that night came to memory. It was something I had tried to forget because I had needed to forget him. “I’ll always be a safe landing place for you. Even if it’s a crash landing.”

I was crashing all right.

I cried harder.

Noah was a true friend and a good person, even if I didn’t approve of his dating habits.

“I’m sorry, Noah. I’ve been awful to you,” I stuttered out between sobs, the weight of my behavior the last few years bearing down on me.

---