Page 46 of The Holiday Ex-Files

A shudder went through me, thinking that was the life I would have had, had I not caught Ben cheating on me. Ben, who was thankfully at some couples retreat in the desert. I was praying that Claudia Cann would do a sunrise yoga livestream and get bitten by a rattlesnake. But I knew I wouldn’t be that lucky. And I wouldn’t wish that upon the poor snake. I should probably be thanking Claudia for saving me from a lifetime of hell. For as much as Ben swore he would never be his father, that was exactly who he had become. I hoped he saw what it was doing to his mother.

I leaned back in the uncomfortable waiting room chair and clasped my hands together. I was beginning to realize that I needed to make some changes. Big changes. I wanted to love myself again. To be happy. Happy like I was yesterday, dancing in a crowd of strangers and dunking my head to bob for apples. But the scary part was, that woman wanted more than that. She wanted love. And I wasn’t sure I could give her that. All love had taught me was that I was never good enough, just like poor Kellie.

That’s not real love, Miss Sparkly obviously needed to chime in.

Then how would I ever know what was? Ben was a seemingly wonderful person for a long time. He seemed to love me for who I was. I assumed Jay was like that once upon a time too. How could you tell if the person is going to stay good or not?

Miss Sparkly was silent.

My phone buzzed.

Noah: Hey, I just read your post. I want you to be happy.

I smiled at my phone. I was surprised he was contacting me, after how weird we’d left things yesterday. When he’d dropped me off, he’d basically just said, Thanks for helping me today, bye.

Cami: Are you saying I should fall in love with myself?

Noah: Yes. Do you want some help?

Cami: I’ll let you know. By the way, can you say a prayer for Kellie? She’s in the hospital. She passed out from an electrolyte imbalance. They’re going to keep her overnight to monitor her. I’m here with Mara.

I thought he should know. Kellie was like a second mom to him.

Noah: Which hospital?

Cami: Regional Medical Center.

Noah: I’ll be right there.

I wasn’t expecting that, but I suppose I should have. Like I said, he loved Kellie as much as any of us.

The next thing I wasn’t expecting walked through the automatic doors, looking harried and a bit sunburned from his time in the desert.

I almost dropped my phone, but caught it in the fumble. My next move was to pretend I hadn’t seen him. I set my sights on the TV that hung in the corner. A football game was on. I had no brainpower to focus on who was playing, but it didn’t matter. I just needed something to stare at. All while I berated myself for still letting Ben have so much control over me. I should be able to face him with confidence. But it dawned on me, I had buried the strongest part of me, thinking it was what had made me weak. These epiphanies were hurting my brain.

While avoiding my ex and having an existential crisis, Mara appeared, and I heard her say to Ben, “Oh, look who showed up. I thought you were too busy chanting around a fire, naked.”

“We weren’t naked,” Ben defended himself.

But they were chanting around a fire? Who had he turned into?

Mara snorted. “I’m glad you draw the line somewhere.”

“Just give it a rest. I’m here.” Then he shocked the heck out of me when his tone softened and he asked, “How is Mom?” He sounded worried. I didn’t know he had any decency left in him.

“She’ll be fine. They have her in her own room now. I was just coming down here to get Cami.” Mara outed me. Dang her.

I slowly turned to face the siblings as they inched toward me. Sometimes I forgot how much they looked alike. It was their noses and eye shape. They were both gorgeous in their own rights, though Ben wasn’t attractive to me anymore. Even more unattractive was the way his jaw hung open while he stared at me.

“He can go first.” I pointed at Ben. I hated to call him by his name. It humanized him too much.

Mara gave me a sympathetic look. She, more than anyone, knew how much it pained me to be around her brother. “Mom really wants to see you, Cami.”

I grabbed my heart. I loved that, but it also kind of killed me. I would be brave, though, and see the woman I used to call Mom. Except . . . “Uh, Noah is on his way. Maybe I should wait for him.”

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