Page 35 of A Love Letter to Whiskey
My heart fell through the boards where we stood and crashed somewhere on the rocks below us. He was sorry. I’d just had the best kiss of my entire life, and he was sorry.
I watched his back, not knowing what his face looked like, not knowing why it wasn’t until that exact moment that I realized it was me who should be apologizing.
It was me who had just cheated.
“We should go,” I whispered, and I didn’t wait for him to respond, just made my way back to his Jeep. I slid inside right away, but Jamie took his time, and when he finally fell into the seat next to mine, he didn’t look my way. He started the Jeep silently, pushed it into gear, and then we drove in silence. No music, no words, just wind.
My phone rang, startling us both, and Ethan’s name filled the screen when I pulled it from my bag.
“Hey babe,” I answered. Jamie fisted the steering wheel tighter.
“Hey, you almost home?”
“On my way now. Listen, I’m really exhausted, could we maybe go to dinner another night?”
I felt Ethan’s disappointment through the phone and Jamie looked at me then, brows pinched together.
“I miss you, B. I haven’t seen you all week. Can I at least come over? I’ll bring a movie and you can fall asleep on my chest, if that’s what you want. I don’t care what we do. I just want to be with you tonight.”
Tears pooled in my eyes and I blinked rapidly, keeping them at bay. Ethan was the best guy I had ever dated, the guy whom I’d trusted enough to give myself to. He’d cherished my virginity, and he continued to practically worship me every day. He was sweet, he was kind, he had a plan. And for some reason he wanted me to be a part of it. He was everything I could have ever hoped for.
I was so, so stupid.
“I miss you, too. Give me an hour and then you can head over.”
He sighed, and I could see his smile as if I was there with him. “Can’t wait. See you soon.”
I ended the call just as Jamie pulled onto campus. Jamie parked in G Lot again and when I went to reach for my handle, he locked all the doors.
“I’m sorry, B.”
He said the words again, and they burned even more the second time I swallowed them.
“Ethan is a great guy and he cares about you, and I know you care about him, too. And what I did today was selfish. It was foolish. I’m not sorry I kissed you,” he clarified, and my eyes found his then. “But I’m sorry I did it when you weren’t mine to kiss.”
I chewed my lip, fighting back the emotions I was feeling. “I’m sorry, too. I think maybe this was a bad idea.”
“No,” Jamie argued, shaking his head as he turned to face me completely. “Listen, I promise, I won’t pull that shit again. But please, don’t push me away. We can still be friends, B. I don’t want to lose you.” I had a flashback to the night he texted me after our first football game together, the night we went to watch Jenna but watched each other, instead. “Please, let me be your friend.”
Could we be friends? Could we hang out together like we did in high school now that we had kissed, now that we had crossed that faint line that had always been drawn between us? I wasn’t sure, though the bigger part of me thought I probably didn’t want to know the answer.
Still, I nodded. The thought of losing him crushed me, too.
“Okay.”
Jamie breathed a sigh of relief, but I sat up straighter.
“But we can’t…. I can’t…” I gestured behind me, back to the beach, back to the kiss.
“I know.”
I nodded again, feeling solid in our understanding. “Help me with my board?”
An hour later, I was freshly showered, lying in my twin bed with my head on Ethan’s chest as we watched a horror film. He held me close, his fingers lightly tracing the hem of my sleep shorts for the first thirty minutes of the movie, and I didn’t tell him about the kiss. I should have, but I didn’t want to hurt him, and at the time, I was still lying to myself, repeating the words Jamie had said in the car. We could be friends.
Before long, Ethan was hovering over me, kissing me softly as he moved between my legs. He promised me the world between kisses and I drank him in eagerly, desperate to believe him, to want what I knew I should.
But the truth was still there, stuffed under my pillow, tucked away in my mind.
I drank Ethan in that night, every last drop, but when we finished and I rolled to one side, him pulling my back against his chest, I traced my mouth with shaky fingers.
