Page 131 of A Love Letter to Whiskey
He told me all about her.
But he never told me her name.
“Jamie is your roommate?” B squeaked.
“Yeah,” he answered, pointing his finger between the two of us. “Y’all know each other?”
All those possibilities I’d fantasized about disappeared into a wisp of smoke, and I felt it — the stone I hardened into in that moment as I answered, “We went to high school together.”
B swallowed. “Yeah. He dated my best friend back in the day.”
The words best friend gutted me, and I ground my teeth together.
“Huh!” Ethan mused, grin still in place. “What a small world!”
My nose flared as I looked at B, at Ethan, at where their hands were weaved together. And I realized I was quite literally going to be sick.
“I was just heading back to the dorm to shower,” I said. “I’ll see you later, Ethan.”
“Later, bro.”
I allowed myself one final glance at B, and then I jogged off, retrieving my basketball from under the bench before I ran the rest of the way across campus to our dorm.
When I got there, I ran straight to the toilet and surrendered my lunch.
Along with every dream I’d had of B ever being mine.
• • •
To my credit, I did try to stay away from B after that.
I knew from experience that my moral compass went haywire in the presence of that girl, so I made sure to be out of the dorm when she was there with Ethan, and I occupied my time with other girls, trying to pretend like they could fill the void B left in me.
It wasn’t until that party when B showed up in her tiny, hot pink swimsuit with her breasts pushed up to her fucking chin that I realized I didn’t want to stay away — and I had to find a way to be with her without ruining my friendship with Ethan.
So, I decided I would be her friend.
I could be just her friend, I told myself. I could hang out with her without crossing any lines, without putting her in a sticky situation with her boyfriend, without torturing myself. The fact that I truly believed this makes me laugh now, but at the time, I convinced myself thoroughly enough that I started calling her to hang out.
And when she tried to ignore me, I showed up after her shift at work and decided I wouldn’t take no for an answer.
You know how that day went, the way it felt to have her in my passenger seat again as we drove around San Diego. I introduced her to the city, all the while reveling in the way it felt to just be with her again.
This is worth it, I realized. I’ll take her in any way I can.
I thought, maybe, I really could drop my infatuation with her and settle just being her friend. But when we were in the snake garden at UC San Diego, that ridiculous attempt at lying to myself was shattered.
I still remember the way she looked in that moment, the two of us shielded by high bushes and flowers as she flushed at the mere mention of the word sex. It had started off with me just teasing her about her romance books, but then, teasing transformed into carnal need.
I had to know what got her off, what made her unravel.
More than that — I had to know how Ethan was failing her, if only for my own selfish pleasure.
“He’s fine. Good…” she said, not able to look at me as she finally conceded to my plea for her to tell me how Ethan was in the sack. “I just, I wish it was more… exciting. He’s so sweet, gentle, and that’s nice but…”
Her words faded, cheeks burning an even deeper red than before.
“There’s no real passion. There’s no urgency. I’m all for sweet nothings whispered in my ear, but sometimes I just want to be thrown onto the bed, you know? Ravaged. Like he can’t fathom the thought of taking his hands off me.”
She said every word in this breathy, unintentionally sexy voice. It was likely because she was afraid someone would overhear us, but it struck me to the core, awakening a primal need in me. I replayed her words on a fiery loop in my head.
Thrown onto the bed…
Ravaged…
Like he can’t fathom taking his hands off me…
If only she knew how intently I felt those very things, how I would shred her clothes and bury myself inside her if she just said the word.
Clouds shifted overhead, the sun beaming on us as B finally brought her gaze to mine. I struggled to keep my breathing steady, to keep my hands at my sides, to not slide those hands into her hair and crush my mouth to hers in that very moment — Ethan be damned.
