Page 81 of A Love Letter to Whiskey
Two, I was like my father. And that was okay. I had always said I was a combination of him and my mother, and it was true. I had his selfish tendencies, but they were balanced out by my mom’s giving heart. I was angry with myself for leading with my father’s half for the last several months, but I knew I couldn’t change that. And in a way, I didn’t want to. Everyone needs to be selfish at one point or another in their lives. Sometimes it’s okay to put yourself first, and I didn’t regret chasing my dream or standing on my own two feet. I only regretted losing someone I loved in the process. But now, it was about looking forward, and in my future I saw nights out with friends, a balance of work and fun, spending more time on the phone with my mom and less at my desk. Well, at least a little less.
Three, and perhaps the most difficult conclusion I came to was this: I had been blind. I thought I knew what Jamie and I were, what had developed between us — and in a way, I did — but in a larger way, I didn’t. What I did know, I shied away from, afraid of consequences. Afraid of burning. You see, I realized that I loved him, I realized that he loved me, but that wasn’t enough. Because what I didn’t realize was that Jamie bruised my heart that first day we met, when he literally ran into me, and every time I’d seen him since then, it had been like jabbing that bruise with granite fingers. A self-inflicted wound. I liked the way it hurt with him, the way it stung, the way it wasn’t perfect — and so did he. But I was done hurting myself. I was done hurting him, too.
I wasn’t sober for even a single minute of my three-day bender, yet I emerged with a clear head and clean spirit.
That was, until the next round of threes hit.
It took three months for Jamie to try to call me. When he did, I ignored him twice, but my curiosity got the best of me on the third call and I picked up.
“B?”
That’s all it took, him asking my name on a breath of desperation.
“I’m here, Jamie.”
He breathed, either with a sigh of relief or uncertainty. “I am so, so sorry. God, I was such a fucking dick to you. I was monstrous. And you didn’t deserve any of that.”
“You’re damn straight I didn’t.”
“I didn’t know what to do when you showed up, okay? I was already drunk, I was confused, I was blindsided.” He paused, and I lifted the wine to my lips. I was going to wait. I was going to let him talk. “B, I can’t… I don’t know how to live in a life where you’re not a part of it.”
I gulped my wine a little too hard, fighting the urge to choke as I sat up straighter on my sofa. My eyes blurred with tears from the liquid going down the wrong pipe and I took a moment to gather myself, which left more time for Jamie to talk.
“I know things are different between us… I guess I was holding onto what we could have been at Alder or something, I don’t know. I never meant to pressure you and I never meant to lose my shit on you, either. Sometimes you really do drive me crazy,” he said with a chuckle and I smiled at that, because I knew the feeling. All too well. “But I need you, as a friend, B. I have to have you as a friend.”
Friends.
My mind flashed back to the times we’d agreed on that very sentiment — and failed. Jamie Shaw and I couldn’t be just friends — we didn’t know how. Still, my stomach was tightening and curling in on itself as I sat on the phone with him. I missed him — so much — and here he was apologizing and asking me to stay in his life. I wanted him in mine. I knew it wasn’t smart, I think I would have bet money right then and there that it would blow up in our faces, but I didn’t care. Once again, even after my stint in rehab, I chose being selfish over being careful.
I sighed. “You never lost me, Jamie. You never could.”
And it was true. I couldn’t think of one scenario where he would lose me forever, because a piece of my soul was tied to that boy — and I had already lost so much of myself at that age, I refused to let go of what little I still held onto.
We talked on the phone for another three hours, and it took me all three to tell him I was sorry, too.
