Page 72 of A Love Letter to Whiskey
“I’m staying.”
“Jenna’s here, too. And your mom. And—”
“Jamie, I’m staying in Pittsburgh,” I said louder. “They offered me a full-time job. Today.”
Silence fell between us, and I picked up my glass slowly, taking another longer pull of the whiskey.
“Okay,” he breathed the word out slowly. “That’s okay. We can see each other once a month, take turns flying, and eventually we’ll figure it out.”
“It doesn’t work like that,” my voice broke with the words. “You have your dad’s firm there. And I have my life here.” Life was a little strong of a word, considering work was my life in Pittsburgh, but I’d moved to the city with a fire in my eyes and I was already making a name for myself. Thinking about complicating that with a long-distance relationship gave me hives, and hearing him say “eventually we’ll figure it out” didn’t help. What did that mean? We both knew he was never leaving his dad’s firm, which meant that he expected me to “eventually figure it out” and move back home.
“That doesn’t mean we can’t have a life together, too.”
I paused a beat, heart breaking a little at how wrong he was. “But it kind of does, Jamie. It all sounds so easy when you say it over the phone, but a long-distance relationship is hard. It’s complicated and messy and neither of us needs that right now, not when we’re both just getting started in our careers. It’s just not the right time for us…” I shook my head. “It’s never the right time.”
There was a sigh on the other end, and I felt the time stretch between us before Jamie spoke again. When he did, his voice was lower, defeated, and the sound of it nearly made me drop my glass.
“That’s not fair. You don’t understand this, B — any of it. When you left Alder, you got to leave it all behind — the places we went, the memories we made. But I lived there. Without you. For three years.” He paused. “And then, when I found you again, everything seemed right. The timing, the way we both felt. I finally got an answer from you, why you stayed away all those years, and I got it, B — I really did. I understood. You were broken from your father’s death and you needed time and space. I gave that to you. Happily. I didn’t know if I’d ever have you again but I didn’t care because I knew what you needed from me.”
My eyes welled as I thought of that time in my life. I remembered feeling so torn, wanting to stay at Alder and knowing that I couldn’t. Jamie loved me enough back then to let me bring him down with me, and I’d never understand how he could still love me after.
“But now, you’re telling me it’s still not there — it’s still not the right time. You couldn’t be with me when you were broken, and now that you’re standing on your own, you still can’t be with me. So if I can’t have you at your worst, and I can’t have you at your best, then when do I get you, B? When does the timing line up for you to stop fighting what we have between us and just let me in?”
A sob cracked in my throat and I cleared it, sniffling as I took another drink. I didn’t know what to say. In a way, he was right — it wasn’t fair. But it also wasn’t as easy as just pointing a finger to a time and place in my life and saying, “There! That’s the time I’ll be ready.” His nonchalance over it all rubbed me wrong, and I took another long pull of whiskey, realizing Jamie hadn’t really ever seemed like he believed I’d make it and end up staying in Pittsburgh. He thought it was temporary, like me being in the city was inconveniencing him and his plans.
I loved Jamie, I always had, but we couldn’t do long distance. I couldn’t be the woman he needed me to be from thousands of miles away, when I had a job of my own and goals to fight for. I knew what he wanted, what he’d always wanted — a wife, a house full of kids. Maybe one day I’d want those things, too. But that day wasn’t today.
And that’s when I remembered what he asked me for that night we found each other again.
“What happened to one day?” I asked in a whisper.
It took a moment for him to answer. “Well, I need one day right now.”
“And I can’t give it to you, so where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know.”
I finished what was left in my glass and poured up another, the Whipper Snapper smoother than before just like I knew it’d be. It was sinking into my system while another, older Whiskey bled itself out.
