Page 28 of Midnight Valentine
There’s also a condition called reactive mutism, in which a person decides not to speak, usually after suffering some kind of severe trauma.
So it is a thing, but I have no way of knowing if Theo’s problem is with his vocal cords or his mental state.
Or both.
I go upstairs, run myself a bath, get undressed and soak, my thoughts in a jumble, until the water grows cold. Then I climb out, towel off, change into my usual lie-atop-the-covers-and-stare-at-the-ceiling T-shirt-and-boy-shorts outfit, and get into bed.
At 3:00 a.m., I drag myself up, go back downstairs to get my laptop, and return with it to bed. Okay, Mr. Valentine. Let’s see what you’ve got to say for yourself.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: New Homeowner in Need of Advice
Dear Dr. Valentine,
So I met this man a few weeks ago, and I need your advice. Everyone keeps telling me what a wonderful guy he is, how great his work is, how I should absolutely hire him to do this huge renovation on my house—my dream house, mind you—but there’s a problem.
I cause this individual severe gastrointestinal distress.
If I were a sadist, I would simply hire him and let him stew in his own sour juices while the job was completed, but I have a heart. I want to give this poor man a jumbo bottle of Tums to make him feel better. But the guy doesn’t want my antacid offerings, he just wants to peel the skin off my face with the blistering heat of his dislike.
What do you suggest?
Sincerely,
Confused
After I hit Send, I re-read the email several times. Satisfied the tone is sufficiently tongue-in-cheek, I’m about to close the laptop when the chime announcing the arrival of a new email sounds. Lo and behold, I’ve got a response. That fast.
Is he an insomniac too?
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: New Homeowner in Need of Advice
Dear Confused,
I suggest being up front with him to clear the air. For instance, you could initiate a conversation on the topic during a late evening drive in his car. I’m sure that wouldn’t be awkward at all.
Sincerely,
Dr. Valentine
Ha! The snarky bastard! I break into a huge grin and immediately compose my response.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Sadly…
I already did that. Sir Grumpsalot didn’t appear to appreciate my attempts to clear the air of the thick fog of his disgust. I was thinking I could write him a haiku to demonstrate my intellectual charms and win his admiration?
Haikus are poems
