Page 111 of Darkness Bound (Night Prowler 5)
“I think . . . I think it might be the most terrible thing in the world.”
“No. There’s something else that’s worse. But love is a close second.”
He looked back at her to find her smiling at him, her eyes soft. She said, “Love is the most difficult journey you’ll ever embark upon, but the destination is worth all the horrible things you’ll experience during the trip. Don’t let the bumps and pitfalls scare you away from where you need to go. Hang in there until the bitter end. Believe me, I know from experience it’s worth every second of torture. One day you’ll look back and be glad for all you suffered, because the pain made the eventual joy all the more sweet.”
Hawk looked away, his throat tight. She was wrong; there would be only suffering. There would be no joy, no sweetness, not for him and Jacqueline. “This is what you wanted to talk to me about? War is coming, extinction is looming over us, your babies are—whatever they are—and you’d like to hear about my personal life?”
From the corner of his eye, he saw her sphinxlike smile. “I’m sentimental that way. So stop avoiding the subject and tell me why you’re so upset.”
Upset didn’t begin to cover it. He closed his eyes, exhaled, and in a voice that cracked several times as he spoke said, “She doesn’t remember me. There is no destination anymore. There’s only a bridge that got burned down, and no way to rebuild it.”
“There’s always a way,” Jenna said enigmatically, but Hawk was already shaking his head.
“Morgan already tried. Jacqueline’s memory is gone; the spirit vine eroded it. She’ll never remember us.” He looked down at his hands, not entirely surprised to see them trembling. “And even if she somehow did remember, I can’t offer her a future. What chance of happiness could we have? All we have ahead of us now is war. Bloodshed. Death. Even if she wanted to stay, I wouldn’t allow it. I would never put her in harm’s way. And I can’t leave, especially now; it’s my duty to stay and fight. And think of how we started—what I did to her!”
Growing more and more agitated, Hawk stood and began to pace to and fro across the room while Jenna watched him, expressionless. “What woman in her right mind would trust me after a thing like that? I don’t deserve her trust. I don’t deserve her! I have nothing to give her, nothing worthwhile, not even my name! I’m a bastard, the illegitimate son of one of the worst men I’ve ever known—I’m nothing!”
Jenna cleared her throat. He pulled up short, breathing hard, anguish lashing him like a thousand steel-tipped whips, and stared at her.
“Are you done?”
She was looking at him with raised brows, waiting. He sent her a curt nod.
“I wish we knew one another better,” she said evenly, “because I’d love to smack you a good one upside your thick head right about now.”
Before he could formulate an appropriate response, she continued. “So you have a conscience. You feel bad about the plan. Congratulations. But let’s not forget you were operating under pain of death if you didn’t comply with Alejandro’s commands.”
Hawk stood stiffly, lips pinched, heat suffusing his face. “That’s no excuse—”
“Shut up,” she said mildly.
He did.
“Let’s also not forget you destroyed the pictures, and opted to challenge Alejandro in a fight to the death instead of showing them to him. Which means you’d rather risk your life than see her hurt, or disrespected, no matter how you might have felt about her at the beginning. With me so far?”
Reluctantly, he nodded.
“I applaud you for your loyalty to the colony, for thinking you need to stay and fight. And if I’m being perfectly honest, I hope that’s what you’ll do, because we’re going to need every man we can get. But, again if I’m being honest, I’m not sure if one person will make a bit of difference.” She glanced at the bassinette, then back at him, her green eyes dark and troubled. “I have . . . I have the oddest feeling that this fight and its outcome have already been determined.”
Seeing his look, she sighed another of her weighted sighs, lifted a hand to her forehead. “I could be wrong. These things I feel and dream . . . who knows.” She dropped her hand and raised her gaze to his. “The only thing I know for sure is that life happens one day at a time, one second at a time, and everything you think you know can change”—she snapped her fingers—“in the space of one instant to the next. So my advice to you is this: Forget the past. Take all that baggage you’ve been carrying around forever and just set it down. Then take a good hard look inside yourself, and decide what you really want, regardless of what you think you should want or do or be. And then go after it. With every bit of focus and determination, with absolutely no holds barred, go after what you want. Even if it doesn’t work out, you can still respect yourself, knowing you tried.”
Jenna pushed off the settee and rose to face him, the blanket pooling around her feet. “We’re all going to die one day, Hawk. Maybe one day very soon. So make the most of your life, before it’s too late. Find your happiness, and hold on to it. To hell with everything else.”
Hawk stared at her with his mouth hanging open, astonished.
One side of her mouth quirked. “Yeah. I get that a lot.”
Leander’s footsteps echoed on the lower-level stairs. He hadn’t even been three minutes, let alone five.
Jenna turned her head toward the sound. “I’d love to talk with you more, but I can’t guarantee my husband isn’t going to start breaking things the minute he sets foot back in this room. You know how Alphas are.” She glanced back at him and winked, leaving him speechless once again.
Leander was taking the steps three at a time, pounding up them like a man possessed. Jenna urged Hawk, “Go,” and gestured toward the opposite side of the room, and another flight of stairs, narrow and winding.
He went, befuddled, stopping just before passing to the lower level. When he looked over, she was still watching him, holding the blanket tight against her body.
“Just out of curiosity, what’s the other thing? The thing that’s worse than love?”
Her smile was beautiful, and incredibly sad. “Regret,” she said softly. “Love can be painful, sometimes cruel, but regret will devour you, bite by bite, until there’s nothing left at all. If love is a tyrant, regret is a soul-eating demon. Be careful it doesn’t eat yours.”
