Page 79 of Make Me Sin (Bad Habit 2)
“Me, you mean?”
“No, baby. This. What’s happening here. I have to be in control of it, so that when the week is up and you’re gone . . .”
He doesn’t finish his thought, but I think I understand. This has to be on his terms. So that when we both go back to real life, he can go on without me.
My heart takes a flying leap out of my chest. I stare into his eyes, finally comprehending why he’s revealing all this, why he brought me here in the first place. “This is all I’m going to get, isn’t it? This one week with you. That’s all there will ever be.”
He swallows, hard.
“Answer me, A.J. Is that what you mean? Is that what you want?”
“What I want is to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life, angel. But I already told you this wouldn’t end well. I already told you I’d hurt you. And you said you’d be willing to only take one night, so I’m thinking six more days is a good compromise.”
Oh, God, the pain. It’s like fire. It’s like I’m being burned alive, from the inside out.
I shove him away. Red faced, I shout, “You just told me you were in love with me! You just told me you were happy! You said I’d never have to be alone again! What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Everything, baby. Everything is wrong with me.”
The look he gives me freezes all my rage. There’s something so dead about his eyes right now, something so unbearably bleak. Whatever he isn’t telling me about himself—which is pretty much everything—it’s bad.
“What does that mean?”
Silence.
“What are you hiding? What’s your big secret, A.J.? Why won’t you let me all the way in? Don’t you trust me?”
“I trust you. It’s myself I don’t trust.”
A nonanswer if there ever was one. Now I’m angry again. “Are you a serial killer?”
“No.”
“An undercover FBI agent?”
“No.”
“A drug dealer? A cartel leader? The head of an international prostitution ring?”
He winces. “No.”
“What, then? Why do you hide from cameras, A.J.? Why do you live up here alone like this? Why would you bring me here and make me hope that you’re going to give me everything I want you to give, and then pull the rug out from under me?”
In a voice that sounds like gravel, he says, “I hide because I’m ashamed. I’m alone because I have to be. And I brought you here because I was going crazy without you, and I might not be selfish enough to try to make you mine permanently, but I’m not strong enough to stay away from you, either. So we can have a week, or we can have nothing. The decision is yours.”
That’s all he gives me. He stares at me, his face closed off. I can’t read anything in his eyes. Instinctively, I know we could go on like this for hours. Back and forth, questions that lead nowhere, uselessly spinning my wheels. I need to decide right now if I’m leaving or going, if I’m willing to accept all this on his terms.
I draw a deep breath, close my eyes, count to ten to try to get control of my ragged breathing. “And what do I get out of all this, A.J.? What’s in it for me except heartbreak?”
The mask of hardness melts away from his face, and his eyes blaze with emotion. He pulls me against his chest. He cradles my face in his hands. He kisses me, deeply, with everything he’s got. When he pulls away I’m breathless, clinging to his arms so I don’t collapse at his feet.
Looking into my eyes, he says softly, “Let me love you, Chloe. Let me love you like you need to be loved. It won’t be for forever, but it will be the best thing either one of us has ever had. I know it. It’ll be enough to last us the rest of our lives.”
I swallow a sob. I’d told Kat and Grace almost the same thing, that what he’d given me so far would be enough to last me the next fifty years. And I meant it. And I’d told him earlier I’d be happy with just one night, and meant that, too.
But I want so much more. I want all of him. Without limits, without secrets, without lies. If I can’t have that, will seven days with zero answers satisfy me?
No. It won’t satisfy me. But as I stare at him, as I see all the emotion and need and longing reflected in his eyes, I realize it will be enough.
