Page 5 of Be Careful What You Wish For

He was waiting. Moments after she sent her reply his words came, causing the deepest stirring in her loins.

Pandora, thanks for writing to me. My interest is sensual enhancement. Like you I want a deep and trusting relationship within which to safely explore those sides of our sensuality that are mutually compatible. I am very interested in psychology and have baggage of my own, which is now well sorted. Write to me about your life so far... include your feelings and experiences. The more I know the securer we will be. I look forward to seeing these glimpses of you, of how you express the energies of your life that you are leaving behind. I will then need to meet you and consider your submission.

Dream Catcher

All thoughts of sleep were gone. How could she write of her life in a way that would tell it the way it is... and yet at the same time be different?

Could she see herself as a unicorn, tethered and unable to fly?

A Life Journey

His words, like touch-paper, ignited the flame within, catching hold of her spirit. With a strength born of experience, a knowledge that comes when two souls touch, a control with the ability to protect, nurture and lead, and an anticipation of love brighter and more precious than anything ever known; she was drawn to him.

Their souls fused and a rainbow of mixed emotions lit up the night sky. It formed a bridge across the distance between them. With a gasp of joy and not the slightest hesitation, she took her first steps across the great divide... eager now to begin the journey, craving the attention and love she was confident of finding the other side... yearning to be tethered, to be held... to have someone finally take from her all responsibility, guilt, shame, past hurt, realising she had come to that place where she had always yearned to be... where she was accepted, where she belonged... where she might simply Be.

She had come Home.

Prior to birth she had known that hurt was to be a necessary part of her life. And knowing the hurt that would follow she hadn’t wanted to be born at all, had struggled against it, trying to get back to the womb where it was safe, protected, loved. And yet at the same time she knew what had to be.

From the start she was different. She didn’t belong. Born with a disability, she was hunted by those who got pleasure from taunting, teasing, making her feel small. At the same time conditioning and control became a necessary and natural part of her life. Because she was different she was hidden from the outside world. She knew she was different. She was treated differently. Yet, confoundingly, the reasons behind it were denied her.

Writing, poetry, music, art became the language she lived by. Within her own world there was always The One, as yet undiscovered, unknown, offering hope, encouragement, support, teaching, guiding, control, right there for her with understanding and love, an intrinsic part of her journey and her world. Where He was she didn’t know, but she would find Him no matter what.

She believed with absolute certainty The One and the world of which He was a part existed. And yet every time she reached out for Him, He eluded her. And instead of specialness and love, she kept falling into the hands of those who would hurt and maim... and control... a non-consensual control that made them use and abuse and threaten her fragile world.

The healer who saw to her disability was the first to take control, creating an illusion of safeness so that her parents left her in his care while he wielded a power over her which terrified and hurt. No words were spoken. No reasoning offered. No questions answered. His actions left memories so confusing and so bad her mind hid them from her, unable to cope for many long years, until she was able to accept, to know, to see them for what they were - and move on.

A much respected member of the community, who nurtured her talents as a musician, was next to gain access to her through her parents. And behind closed doors he met with her at his home, using the same abusive power, leaving her helpless, wondering what she had done that was so wrong they would want to treat her this way. What had she done that was so bad? She was obedient, a good girl, always willing, always pleasing, giving of herself. What then made these things that were bad happen to her?

In her late teen years the abuse continued on. She met cruelty from the outset. He forced things, tortured her mind, tying her spirit so tightly, hurting it so badly it could no longer roam free even in her heart. She was violated, tied, held, bound, beaten until she was all used up, with nothing left to give, even the ability to show and to feel emotion had been taken from her. Finally she was left lying there, worthless.

She was fragile, aching with hurt, deeply ashamed, believing it all somehow to be her fault, going over and over the experiences in her mind. And still vulnerable she fell into the hands of yet another. Although not cruel in the physical sense, he confused and manipulated her mind... giving her thoughts and then snatching them from her as if they had never been. Things around her altered... but at the same time she was assured they were the same... her movements were restricted... she went only where he wanted her to go.

But as time went on something inside her began to retaliate. Suddenly she was not so easily accepting the rules laid down, resenting the fact she had become nothing more than a puppet on a string. What had she been thinking of all this time, livin

g her life through someone else? She wanted more. She needed a life of her own. She had her own thoughts and desires and needs, and she wanted to be able to discover and experience them for herself.

With this newfound insight, this thirst suddenly to break free; came the ability to say ‘No!’

It wasn’t allowed, but she said it all the same. And the effect was remarkable... it turned her life completely around. Her mate completely disappeared just as if he had never been. It was an ordinary day, and then the next he was gone. At first she was afraid. Could this be a new ploy; part of a new plan to break her? She felt first threatened... then abandoned... and when he didn’t return, for the first time she learned to be gentle with herself, to mend the broken spirit within.

Finally then, she reached this place. She has rested awhile, waiting... hoping... longing for that moment when she might KNOW... when that spark would ignite within her like a flame... the moment when her spirit might finally be set free - free to be given to the ONE of her choice who would harness its energy, bridle, tame and develop it into something beyond which was beautiful and precious in a place where always it would be accepted and loved.

I offer the gift of self. It is all I have. I am tired of searching, of being alone. I reach out, my true submissive self the gift, willing to be bridled, to be taught, because... after all this... I cannot cope with the frantic anxious spirit that even now writhes like a great beast, impatient and straining to be truly free and to fly to that place beyond what is... to what could be... to a place where all things are possible in a controlling love.

She takes her first few steps across the bridge of emotions, ready and willing to submit... hoping to find The One... to experience finally what it is she has been looking for all her life... asking to come Home.

I have lived alone too long. Slowly the aching need inside has grown worse... aching to be free... to be harnessed... fulfilled. To be what it was always meant to be. At the heart is the spirit of womanhood, sexuality suppressed and yet nonetheless real. And the final acceptance of my experience has been in discovering that controlling love is possible, that it exists, and that someone can be controlled... and yet cherished all at the same time. Once I knew that... then it was going to take The One, with a special kind of magic, to finally lead me Home.

Pandora

Hope

It was another day before the words she hoped for arrived.

I have always believed that the bravest souls take on difficult lives. It is what brought you to this exchange. Your light made others throw their darkness against you. The more I read the more the vibration feels right, a tingling in my aura, we are on the same wavelength. This is right for both of us.

I’m sure we will be friends, and that is a good step.

---