Page 28 of Bring Me Back

“We should go,” she says. “We don’t need to be here anymore.”

I shake my head.

I’m not leaving.

What if the doctor goes back there and finds that he was wrong? What if Ben is really alive?

Don’t give up hope.

“Blaire,” Loraine says, “he’s not going to walk out those doors. Stop it.”

I grip the thin wooden arms of the cheap chair and hold on so tight that my knuckles turn white. I shake my head roughly once. Twice. Three times. I think I’m trying to shake some sense into myself.

“Blaire. We have to go.”

“I can’t,” I whisper, staring at the shiny white floor. “I can’t leave him.”

I know I should be strong for her right now, Ben’s her son, but I’m too lost in my own grief. I’m pathetic.

She stands and somehow gets ahold of me, hauling my leaden body up. “I’ll drive you home. Can I stay in your guest room?”

I nod. “Of course,” I whisper.

She guides me out of the hospital and to her car. How she has the capability to drive is beyond me. But I guess she’s a mom. She’s used to having to take charge in the face of meltdowns.

She starts the car and turns down the radio; I don’t think either of us wants to listen to music right now.

I’m not sure I’ll ever smile again.

The lights from the hospital parking lot shine through the windows. I lean my head against the cool glass of the car window beside me and close my eyes.

“We were trying to have a baby,” I say the words softly.

Loraine gasps and hiccups on a cry.

“We were so excited,” I continue, “about the future. The wedding. A baby. Life. It’s all gone now.”

Loraine is quiet and I don’t open my eyes to see her. Finally, she says, “It’s not gone now. It’s just different.”

“It’s not the same without Ben.”

She’s quiet again, and then with what must be a lot of effort, she says, “You’re young. You’ll move on.”

My hands clench into fists and my eyes fly open. “How can you say that? He’s your son. Was. Was your son.” I lean my head against the headrest and bang my fists against my thighs. It isn’t fair.

Her lower lip trembles and the red from the stoplight reflects over her face. “It kills me to say that, Blaire, but it’s true. You will move on.”

I shake my head. “Shut up.”

She turns to me. “We have to stay strong. For ourselves. For each other. Can you do that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, Blaire. That’s not the fighter I know you to be.”

I wipe at the tears that have continued to fall. “I need to scream,” I tell her.

“Then scream.”

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