Page 44 of Before I Fall

Lindsay giggles, checks Elody out in the rearview. There are some bagels under your butt, beautiful.

Mmm, butt bagels. Elody reaches into the bag and pulls out a bagel, half squashed, then makes a big deal of taking an enormous bite out of it. Tastes like Victorias Secret.

Tastes like thong floss, I say.

Tastes like crack, Lindsay says.

Tastes like fart, Elody says, and Lindsay spits coffee on the dashboard, and I start laughing and cant stop, and all the way to school were thinking of flavors for butt bagels, and Im thinking that thismy life, my friendsmight be weird or screwy or imperfect or damaged or whatever, but its never seemed better to me.

As were pulling into the schools parking lot, I scream for Lindsay to brake. She slams to a stop and Elody curses as coffee slops all over her.

What the hell? Lindsay puts a hand on her chest. You scared me to death.

Ohum. Sorry. I thought I saw Rob. Up ahead Im watching Sarah Grundels Chevrolet turn into Senior Alley fifteen seconds ahead of us. The parking space is a small thing, a detail, but today Im not going to do anything wrong. I dont want to take any chances. Its like the game we used to play when we were little, where we had to avoid all the cracks in the sidewalk or else it meant wed kill off our mothers. Even if you didnt believe in it, you made sure you were stepping correctly, just in case. Sorry. My bad.

Lindsay rolls her eyes and steps on the gas again. Please tell me youre not going psycho stalker.

Leave her alone. Elody leans forward and pats my shoulder. Shes just nervous about tonight.

I bite my lip to keep from giggling. If Lindsay and Elody had any clue at all about what was actually running through my head, they would probably have me committed. All morning, whenever I close my eyes, I keep imagining the feeling of Kent McFullers lips brushing against mine, as light as butterfly wings; of the crown of light surrounding his head and the way his arms felt when he was keeping me on my feet. I lean my head against the window. My smile is reflected back at me, growing wider and wider as Lindsay drives up and down Senior Alley, cursing because Sarah Grundel took the very last parking space.

Instead of following Elody and Lindsay into Main, I break off and head toward Building A, where the nurses office is, muttering an excuse about a headache. Thats where the roses are stored on Cupid Day, and I have some adjustments to make. Okay, so maybe lying isnt 100 percent kosher on the Good Deeds Scale (especially lying to your best friends), but its for a very, very good cause.

The nurses office is long and narrow. Normally a double row of cots runs its length, but the cots have been cleared out and replaced by huge folding tables. The heavy curtains that usually keep the place movie theaterdark have all been drawn back, and the room is literally sparkling with light. Light bounces off the metal wall fixtures and zigzags crazily over the bright white walls. There are roses everywhereoverflowing their trays, stashed in corners, a few of them even scattered across the ground, petals trampledand if you didnt know that there was actually an organizing principle to all of it, and a purpose, you would just think that someone had set off some kind of a rose bomb.

Ms. Devane, who usually oversees Cupid Day, isnt around, but there are three Cupids standing over one of the bins, giggling. They jump and scoot backward when I come in. Theyve been reading the notes, obviously. Its strange to think aboutthose little scraps of paper, snippets of words, half compliments and backhanded compliments and broken promises and semi-wishes and almost expressions of what you really want to say: they never tell the full story, or even half of it. A room full of words that are nearly the truth but not quite, each note fluttering off the stem of its rose like a broken butterfly wing. None of the girls talks to me as I start walking the aisle, scanning the labels on the trays, looking for the Ss. I doubt that anybody else has ever barged in on the Rose Room, especially not a senior. Finally I find the tray labeled: StTa. There are five or six roses for Tamara Stugen and another half dozen for Andrew Svork and three for a Burt Swortney, who has the most unfortunate name Ive heard of in a long time. And there it is: the single rose for Juliet Sykes with a note looped delicately around its stem. MAYBE NEXT YEAR, BUT PROBABLY NOT. Maybe next time, but probably not.

Umcan I help you with something? One of the girls inches forward a couple of feet. Shes twisting her hands together and looks absolutely petrified.

Juliets rose is thin and young, delicately tinged with pink. All of its petals are closed. It hasnt bloomed yet.

I need roses, I say. Lots of them.

CORRECTIONS AND ADJUSTMENTS

I leave the Rose Room feeling keyed up and energetic, like Ive just had three mocha lattes from Caffeine Rush in the mall. I replaced Juliets single rose with an enormous bouquetI shelled out forty bucks for two dozenand a note printed in block letters that says FROM YOUR SECRET ADMIRER. I only wish I could be around when she receives them. Im positive its going to make her day. More than that: Im positive its going to make things right. Shell have even more roses than Lindsay Edgecombe. I start thinking about Lindsays eyes bugging out of her head when she sees that Juliet Sykes has beaten her for the title of Most Valograms this year, and I let out a huge snort of laughter right in the middle of AP American History. Everyone whips around and stares at me, but I dont care. This must be what its like to do drugs: the feeling of coasting over everything, of everything looking new and fresh and lit up from inside. Except without the next-day guilt and the hangover. And possible prison sentence.

When Mr. Tierney distributes his pop quiz, I spend the whole twenty minutes drawing hearts and balloons around the questions, and when he comes around to collect the papers I give him a smile so bright he actually winces, like hes not used to people looking happy.

Between classes I scour the hallways, looking for Kent. Im not even sure what Ill say to him when I see him. I cant really say anything. He doesnt know that weve spent the past two nights together, that both nights we were so close that if one of us had breathed we would have ended up kissing, that last night I think we might have. But I have this incredible urge just to be around him, to see him doing those familiar, Kent-like things: flipping his hair out of his eyes, smiling his lopsided smile, shuffling his ridiculous checkered sneakers, and tucking his hands into the over-long cuffs of his button-downs. My heart shoots into my throat every time I think I see his loping walk, or catch sight of some floppy brown hair on a boybut its never him, and each time it isnt, my heart does a reverse trajectory down into the very pit of my stomach.

Im guaranteed to see him in calc, at least. After life skills, I stop in the bathroom, and spend the three minutes before bell primping in front of the mirror, ignoring the smores chattering on either side of me, and trying hard not to focus on the fact that Ill come face-to-face with Mr. Daimler in less than five minutes. My stomachs been performing its roller-coaster move so oftena combination of waiting for Juliet to get the roses, hoping to see Kent, and being disappointedIm not sure it can withstand forty-five minutes of having to watch Mr. Daimler smirk and wink and grin at the class. I will away the memory of his tongue inside my mouth, wet and sloppy.

Such a slut. One of the sophomores is coming out of a bathroom stall, shaking her head.

For one paranoid second Im sure shes talking about methat somehow she has just read my mindbut then her friends explode with laughter, and one of them says, I know. I hear she had sex with, like, three people on the basketball team, and I realize theyre talking about Anna Cartullo. The stall door is swinging open and Lindsays scrawl is obvious. AC=WT. And underneath it: Go back to the trailer, ho.

You shouldnt believe everything you hear, I blurt out, and all three girls instantly shut their mouths and stare at me.

Its true, I say, feeling bolder now that I have such a captive audience. You know how most rumors start?

The girls shake their heads. Theyre standing so close I think for a second their skulls are going to knock together.

Because somebody feels like it.

The bell rings then, and the sophomores scurry for the door like theyve been let out of class. I stand there, willing my feet out the door and down the hall and down a flight of stairs and to the right and into calc, but nothing happens. Instead Im fixated by the writing on the stall door, how Ally laughed and pointed to the copycat artists elsewhere. AC=WT. Im pretty sure Lindsay wrote it on a whimfour measly letters, stupid, meaninglessprobably to test out a new marker and see how much ink it had. It would have been better, almost, if shed meant it. It would be better if she really hated Anna. Because it matters. It has mattered.

Without thinking about the fact that at this point Im going to be late to calc, I dampen a strip of paper towel, just as an experiment, and begin scrubbing at the writing on the stall door. It doesnt budge. But then, because Ive started, I cant stop. I look under the sink and find a dried-out Brillo pad and a can of Comet. I have to brace the door with one arm and lean hard with the other, scrubbing furiously, but after a little while the graffiti on the door has lightened, and after a little while longer you can hardly see the letters at all. I feel so good once Ive gotten them off that first door, I go down the row and scrub the remaining two, even though my arm is aching and cramping and Ive actually started to sweat a little bit in my tank top, mentally cursing Lindsay the whole time for her whims, for using permanent marker.

When all three stalls are finished I turn the doors out and look at their reflections in the mirror: blank, clean, featureless, the way stall doors should be. And for some reason it fills me with such pride and happiness I do a little dance right there, tapping my heels on the tile floor. It feels like Ive reached back in time and corrected something. I havent felt so alive, so capable of doing things, in I dont know how long.

By now I really have ruined my makeup. Little pricks of sweat are beading across my forehead and the bridge of my nose. I splash cold water on my face and dry off with a scratchy paper towel, starting all over again with the mascara and cream blush in Rose Petal that Lindsay and I both use religiously. My heart is looping crazily in my chest, partly from exhilaration, partly from nerves. Next period is lunch, and lunchtime is showtime.

Will you stop doing that? Elody leans forward and presses my fingerswhich have been tappingflat against the table. Youre driving me crazy.

Youre not turning rexi, are you, Sam? Lindsay gestures to my sandwich, which Ive only nibbled around the edges. Rexi is her word for anorexic, although Ive always thought it sounded like something you would name a dog.

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