“I thought you blamed me for the baby,” I whispered. “I thought you hated me.”
“Never.” His arms were around me, and he pulled me toward him. “You blamed yourself. You hated yourself. I could see it in your eyes, but I just couldn’t reach you. I didn’t know what to do or how to help. I thought you would get better if you didn’t have to look at me every day.”
So many mistakes. We’d made so many mistakes.
“I never stopped loving you,” I admitted. “I got so caught up in trying to rebuild my life, in trying to turn myself into someone who couldn’t be hurt again, but I ached for you every single day.”
He kissed me long and hard. “I’m right here, Jillian, and God knows I still love you. I’ve never come close to feeling for anyone else what I feel for you. Just stay with me, and let’s really give this a second chance.”
It was a hurdle I just didn’t know that I could jump. Not after all that I’d done to protect myself. I wanted to tell him that I’d give him everything, but I wasn’t sure I could survive the pain that we went through.
I could give him now, though. I didn’t even think I had a choice. There wasn’t a single part of me that could walk away from him tonight.
He was slow and sweet as he kissed me. A far cry from the frantic lovemaking we’d had this past weekend. It was a jolt to my senses to know that these kinds of feelings were still brewing between us. I wanted to hurry him, to score my nails along his back until it was nothing but pure need, but he just swept me away with his kisses and unspoken promises.
Even still, it was easier to love him this way rather than continue talking. There was still so much that we needed to say. So much that I needed to know. Did he ever really grieve? Did he ever think about more kids? Did he forgive me for walking away?
Instead, I pushed the worry aside and focused on his lips and touch. His fingers moved patiently down my body as he undressed me. Sweet. Sensual. Every touch made me ache for more, but he couldn’t be rushed. I nearly choked on my impatience but soon was lost in the moment.
As he dragged his lips over my skin, I thought about all the times he wasn’t just a lover but a husband as well. Talking to all my professors the weeks I was sick so I could see copies of the lectures. Bringing me coffee in the middle of the night while I was trying to study. Attempting to manage my hair when I’d accidentally jammed my finger in the door. Bringing me flowers because he said they matched that one dress he liked so much.
It was everything that I was trying to avoid when entering this devil of a bargain with him, but that didn’t mean it never happened. Try as I might, I couldn’t just pick and choose the parts of my history to hold on to.
His kiss whispered down my calves as he pulled down my panties, and his fingers curved over the arch of my feet. I swayed unsteadily, and he caught me easily and backed me up until we were on the bed.
I was open and ready for him, but he was still fully dressed. How had that happened?
Through the haze of my desire, I reached for him and tugged the shirt over his head. With a sigh of pleasure, I tasted his skin. Salty from the sweat of work, smooth with the promise of pleasure. He was a work of art, and no matter how many times I saw him, I appreciated it.
“I want you to ride me.” His request sent a thrill down my spine. “I want to watch you loving me, Jillian.”
Yes. I wanted him to watch me. Reaching for the button of his jeans, I freed him. Forgoing the work of pulling his pants down, I stroked him instead. Hard and smooth. The perfect size for the perfect fit.
He groaned in my hands, thrusting a little, before he finished the job that I’d started. Finally naked, he joined me on the mattress, flipping me until I was astride him.
Poised over him, I studied him closely. His eyes were dark with lust, but his expression was open and patient. He would let me do whatever I wanted, take whatever I needed from him. Part of me still wanted hard and fast, to ride him until there was nothing but pleasure between us, but he had taken a step in the direction of our future.
I wanted to take that step with him.
Lowering myself inch by inch, I whimpered as he filled me. His hands dug into my sides, and I knew there’d be bruising, but he didn’t force the control away from me. My gaze never left his as I started to move.