Page 59 of Reason to Believe (White Lace 2)

“I remember her being nervous walking into the Levin mansion, with a little bit of awe and a lot of envy.”

More than anything I remembered her fidgeting when she’d sat down on the couch in the sitting room. Surrounded by expensive art and crystal glassware, she’d known she was way out of her league.

“We stared at each other for a while, then she finally asked me how I was. I think I laughed at the ridiculousness of her question.”

She had abandoned me. What kind of answer had she expected?

“Eventually, Ellie came into the room and asked me to go play with Max in the basement. To this day I don’t know what was said between them. Ellie would never tell me and my mother refused to talk about it.”

Considering my mother never showed her face at the house again, and I barely saw her after that, I had a feeling there had been an agreement made. One that Ellie had been right to withhold from me, because the truth probably meant my mother had willingly left me there.

“Even at eleven years old, I knew my mother was a flake.” Grace’s arms wrapped tighter around me. “I was essentially parentless, but I had found a sense of peace with the Levins. For the first time I had a home. I felt safe.”

The Levins were the most generous people I knew. And that didn’t even include taking care of me. They gave to several charities and Ellie had almost single-handedly run a not-for-profit organization, the Phoenix House, which Max still donated to every year in his mother’s honor.

“Where is your mother now?”

“She shows up every once in a while looking for money, and I give it to her.” I let out a heavy breath. “I thought I had already experienced loss when my mother walked out the door, but when Ellie died, I knew for the first time what it felt like to lose a parent. Ellie was the only mother I ever knew, and I still miss her every single day. She was the only woman who ever gave a shit about me. The only woman who ever kept her promises to me.”

It was weird to be lying here in bed with Grace, completely naked. But the moment her eyes met mine, I’d never felt so exposed. Because she was seeing me. All of me. I’d just disclosed my deepest emotional trauma and she was still here beside me.

“I wish I could have met Ellie Levin.” Grace rolled away, looking up at the ceiling, one hand holding the sheet across her chest. “Everly tells me the nicest stories, and Max, he always gets that look in his eye whenever she comes up in conversation.” She looked over at me. “Like the one you have right now.”

I dropped my chin, making eye contact. “What look is that?”

“Utter adoration and respect.”

She was right. I adored Ellie Levin. She’d been no stranger to adversity. She’d faced it every day of her life. She’d endured it, but she’d persevered in spite of it. Ellie had been the dictionary definition of a mama bear protecting her cubs. No one messed with Max and me. She’d always had our backs. Even when we were little assholes.

“The Levins are good people, and Max isn’t just my best friend, he’s my brother. I owe my entire life to that family.”

“Is that why you work at White Lace?” She rustled in the bed, getting comfortable on her side, facing me. “Because you feel obligated?”

There was no question that my loyalty was with Hirsh. I would do anything he asked.

“Maybe. At first, it was a no-brainer. What heterosexual male wouldn’t want to work in porn? It was fun. And it was a way for me to turn the thing I loved most in the world into a job. I tried school, but it was hard. I had to conform. I don’t deal well with boxes. So I dropped out.”

I stopped, contemplating my words. My entire adult life I had done my best to fit people, thoughts, and activities into boxes as a way to maintain my distance. But I’d never allowed myself to fit into a box.

“Enough about my sad parental situation. What about you?” I turned on my side to mimic her position. “Your parents must be really proud of you. University graduate. Small business owner and now corporate executive.”

She snorted out a laugh. “I’m far from an executive, and my parents…they don’t know about any of it.”

“Why not?” I reached out and brushed her damp hair away from her face.

“We don’t speak.” She tried to fall onto her back, but I wasn’t having that. I grabbed her shoulder and righted her.

It might not be the reason why she had shown up here tonight so upset, but there was no doubt her relationship with her parents was something she kept close to the chest. And if anyone knew about having shitty parents…

When she realized she wasn’t going to get away from me so easily, she relented. With a half-smile, she looked into my eyes. “When they discovered I was an escort, they kicked me out of the house. We’ve only spoken a handful of times since then. Basically just a check-in to let one another know the others are still alive.” She blew out a heavy breath and looked away. “I don’t regret my decision to become an escort, even though it cost me my family, because whether they acknowledge it or not, the money I made saved them from bankruptcy.”

I cursed under my breath. “So you gave them money and they never spoke to you again.”

I’d thought I had it bad. I’d simply had a mother that was an egomaniac who never gave a damn. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to experience a perfect family life, and then suddenly have it taken away. Probably a hell of a lot worse. They say ignorance is bliss, and after hearing Grace’s story, not knowing my mother’s love seems like it may have been a blessing in disguise.

She’d snuggled into herself, her hands clasped together and resting under her chin. So I wiggled closer, close enough that our noses almost touched. “But with hindsight being twenty-twenty and all, I might not have made the same choice if I had known I’d spend every day worrying about someone finding out about my past.”

I understood exactly how she felt. I had gone into porn with dazzled eyes, thinking that it was going to be the most amazing experience of my life, not even thinking about life after porn. I was too happy living in the moment to worry.

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