Page 109 of Rush (White Lace 1)

“I haven’t been happy with this job in a long time. It’s not what I want for the rest of my life. You’ve built a great company, you’re successful, and most importantly, you put that success to good use and help people. But it’s your company.”

“Everything that is mine is yours.” I heard the desperate plea in his voice, but I couldn’t give in to it. As much as it killed me, I couldn’t give in. “What does this mean for us?” he asked.

“I’ve spent my whole life trying to live up to the Levin name, and now…after finding out…”

I was a Levin, but not really a Levin. I had to come to terms with that. It would take time, but it had nothing to do with my decision.

“You are some pretty big shoes to fill, Dad, but I don’t just want to fill them. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I want to be better. I want to be my own man, not Hirsh Levin’s son.”

“I guess…” He sighed, shaking his head. “I guess I can understand that.”

I ran my hands through my hair then scrubbed them over my face. “I know how much you love me. I know how much Mom loved me. But I’m not into this.” I held out my hands, gesturing to the room. “I wish I were. I want to make you proud, but I can’t do it…it’s just sex. I need more.”

He gripped my shoulders tightly and shook me as if trying to knock some sense into me. “I’ve spent twenty-four years telling you that sex is just sex.”

Yes, he had. Which was the only way a person could morally work in the porn business. But his next statement I never expected to hear.

“But it’s not. Not when it’s with the one you love. Then it’s…” He looked over at one of my mother’s pictures. His eyes softened, and he whispered, “…life-changing.”

He wasn’t making sense. I had just told him I wanted nothing to do with White Lace, and he was getting philosophical with me. Maybe he was in shock.

“Are you all right?” I returned his affection and placed my hand on his shoulder. We stood like that for a moment while he continued to stare at my mother’s picture. “Dad, I don’t know why you’re telling me this.”

He gave me a half-smile. “You have that look.”

“What look?” I’d had about six looks since the moment I’d walked into the room.

“The same look I had when I looked at your mother. The look I’ve seen on your face whenever you’re with Everly.”

“You’re nuts.” I most certainly did not have a face when I was with Everly. Even if I did, it would have washed away the moment I realized she never truly saw me. “I don’t think I will ever find what you two had. She turned out to be just like all the rest. She couldn’t see past the porn.”

“She spent all day in here with the hope that you would finally see it in yourself.” He cocked his head, trying his best to meet my gaze, but I refused to look up. “Would she have gone to all this trouble if she didn’t see the real you?”

I had thought she saw me, too. Then I showed up at her house and she did her best to tell me she thought I was the carbon copy of my occupation.

“She only did this because we had a fight. She’s just trying to make up for what she did.”

There were no chairs in the room so my father leaned against the wall by the door, one of the only spots not covered in accomplishments.

“You had a fight at the wrap party?”

“No.” The wrap party had gone perfectly. Until the bomb had been dropped. “It was after that.”

“She was here the day after the wrap party.”

She’d done this before I had accused her of being just like everyone else. But…how could she do all this, and then still think I was someone I wasn’t?

Maybe you overreacted. Maybe she was trying to do something nice.

My mind replayed the evening. Everything was still crystal clear in my mind. She’d kept saying she wanted to be sexy. Come to think of it, it was the same thing she had said at Ben’s. She wanted to be sexy because she thought I didn’t think she was. It was insecurity, and by denying her, I had just solidified the doubt in her mind.

She did believe in me.

Relief washed over me. I had been so heavy, so overwhelmed with guilt and sadness, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t realized I had been living in that darkness for years—walking around in some sort of haze, unsure of myself. Then I met Everly, and that haze had lifted.

I had spent all this time trying to help her with her list, focusing on her happiness, that I hadn’t realized how much happiness she had brought into my life. How clear the road ahead had become without me even realizing it.

My whole life, I knew I needed to be great. I needed to live up to my name. I did things I already knew I was good at to ensure that greatness. Essentially, I was cheating. Porn was my comfort zone, but love…Love was so far out of my comfort zone it was on another planet.

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