Page 55 of Slow Burn (Forbidden Heat 2)

I sighed and started to dial his number, but at the last moment, I stopped myself. Dammit. I couldn’t do it. What was wrong with me? It would have been so easy to just push that button and make that call, but no. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

But I missed Gary so much. I had dreamt of his touch, his love, and his sweet surrender for a long time. Even after three years, I still felt like I had been in his arms yesterday. I could still feel him and still smell his masculine scent on me. I wanted it again. I wanted him. Dammit, I wanted him.

I started to call him again, and this time I was sure I would make it,

but once again the second my finger got close enough to touch the screen to select him from my saved numbers, I wasn’t able to go any farther.

I sat the phone down and began to sob. I was so miserable without him. I was raising a little girl on my own and I knew that her father needed to be in her life, would want to be here, and that she would benefit greatly from it as well. I had a family; all I had to do was make a phone call. That was it.

But I was terrified of how that conversation would go. I would have to admit to Gary that I’d lied to him for three years about something major in his life, possibly the most major thing he would ever experience. He had a child. He was a father. He just didn’t know about it.

He would curse me and hate me forever. That was a given. Any normal man would react that way. I knew it. And I expected it. I deserved it. But I wasn’t sure I could stand it. What would he say? In his anger, what horrible things would he call me? I could just envision it. I could hear horrible words being thrown my way loudly in his voice and it would break my heart. It would tear me down in such a way that I wasn’t sure I would ever recover.

I just could not stand to go through that. So, I was keeping the secret covered up for now. There would come a day when that might change, but for now that was all I could do.

I just wished I had been given more strength.

Chapter Twenty-One

Gary

When the Chief called me into his office that day, I knew it was either going to be great news, or terrible news. And honestly, the way that I was feeling that particular day, I didn’t really care which news I received. It had been a crazy busy month and I was just getting over the stress of it all, hoping for a nice, long two days of rest in front of me. If those two days turned into some kind of a permanent vacation then I might have been a happy camper.

The stress of being a firefighter was starting to get to me. After all these years, it was finally starting to wear me down. And I knew that mostly, it had nothing to do with the work. Not really. The truth was that ever since Shelly left me, I’d sank into a bit of a depression and I just didn’t care about myself anymore. I almost welcomed a fiery death, and the fact that it had not come for me yet was a bit of a rub. I just wanted the pain I had to be over. Shelly, my angel, my life—where are you?

I’d spent the first few months hiring private investigators to track her down, but so far they’d turned up pretty much zilch. Either she was the best at disappearing in the entire world, or these investigators were little more than overpriced security guards who thought they could somehow be private cops. That was a laugh. None of them had produced so much as a urine sample for me.

Eventually, I’d given up looking. Shelly was not coming back and I wasn’t going to find her. She didn’t want to be found. This was the only thing that had kept me going for a while, the search for her, the belief that one day I would know the truth. But that had eventually run out. Now I felt like I was running on empty. I was running on fumes. I was out of it completely. And the worst part was that I did not care one bit.

I entered the Chief’s office. I felt tired, wasted, and I just wanted to go home to take a nice nap. Not that it would do much good. I was not sleeping well and hadn’t really for a while. I could at best manage an hour or so and then I would be wide awake for a bit. The rest of the guys knew that something was wrong with me, but they didn’t know what.

“You wanted to see me Chief?” I asked.

“Yeah, have a seat,” Walker said.

“Thanks.” I sat down and made myself comfortable. I looked up at him trying to decipher what was behind the odd gaze he was giving me. He looked like I felt. He was old, tired, and a bit pissed off at the world around him. That was exactly the way I felt all the time. But even through all the turmoil, I never let my feelings escape. I held them all inside and I dealt with them. I didn’t talk to anyone and I didn’t want anyone’s help. I would deal with things on my own in my own way and on my own damn time.

I sighed heavily into my hand as I held back a yawn. I still needed to hit the gym before I headed home. I’d skipped the last two workouts and I was feeling it. Not just physically, but mentally. I sometimes forgot how important the gym was for my mental health. It kept the waves of depression at bay and it allowed me to move past so many foes in my way.

“How are things going?” Walker asked.

“Good. How are you?” I asked.

“I couldn’t be doing any better,” he said.

“Good,” I replied. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well, I just received an interesting phone call. It was from station twenty-two, Columbus, Ohio. Apparently, their Chief is retiring and they are looking for someone new. They heard of you and your stellar performance since becoming lieutenant and they want to see you. I put in some great words for you and they are very interested, kid.”

I was floored. My work recently had been far from exemplary, but I guess I was still doing the job on a basic level, or at least enough to be considered competent. That was only because I loved what I did and I cared deeply about the people that I did it for. It was my saving grace in so many ways. Without the job, I would have come completely unhinged and fallen into a pit of despair. At least, the feelings might have been there for that to happen, but the structure of these responsibilities had kept me grounded and kept me going. I was eternally grateful.

“Wow, that’s amazing,” I said. “Thank you for all the great words.”

“Well, you are very welcome. I’ve never had a better man serving under me.”

“Thanks,” I replied.

“Now, they want you to fly there in two days to meet with them and talk about the job. It’s virtually yours, if you want it, but they want you to come there and make sure you believe it will be a great fit.”

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