Mark smiles, nodding. “He has.” He turns to look at me. “Eli, nice to see you again. You two ready for this?”
“Yep.” My calf muscle burns from how fast my leg is bouncing. “What exactly should we expect?”
“I won’t lie to you, it won’t be easy. There’s a lot that goes into family therapy, but it’s good that you’re here. It’s important to show your father that you’re willing to put in the work.”
“And is he?” Lee interrupts. “Puttin’ in the work, that is? So he can get better?”
“He is.” Mark grins. “But there’s no black and white, Alina. Recovery is one day at a time. Sometimes it’s easy, and other times it leaves you broken and bruised. The important thing is that he wakes up, puts on his armor and fights like hell. He chooses to be the best version of himself, and every second he does is a win. He’ll need your support, which is why your recovery is just as crucial to his success as his own.”
A chuckle bursts out of me, even though nothing about what he’s saying is funny. “What do you mean our recovery?”
“Exactly what I said. Addiction is a family disease, Eli. It affects all of you.”
Why does everyone keep saying that?
Lee sniffles, and I see her nod from the corner of my eye. My heart wrenches against my ribs at her emotion. At her agreement with what he’s saying.
“So, how will it all work?” Lee’s hands wring together in her lap.
“Well, this morning we have a group session for all of the family members. Then this afternoon, you’ll be with your dad during his session.”
“Just during his session?” I thought we’d get to spend the day with him. Finding out we don’t, makes the ball of anxiety mutate into a stinging irritation that pricks at my skin.
Mark’s lips pull in a straight line. “It was his request to only see you both in that particular setting.”
My stomach tangles and twists, worry pouring into every pore of my body over how Lee will handle knowing Pops doesn’t want us here. I’m used to disappointment from him, but I’m not sure what their dynamic is these days.
“He doesn’t wanna see us?” Lee’s voice breaks, her words slow and thick.
Mark leans forward in his chair, settling his elbows on the desk. “This isn’t a reflection on you. It’s very common with people in the stage of recovery your father is in. It can be… overwhelming to face the people you love.” He pauses, watching Lee’s face carefully. “I know it’s hard—trust me, I know. But it’s a hell of a thing you’re doing, showing up for him this way. Letting him set his own boundaries and then respecting them is what he needs from you right now.”
She nods, wiping her tear-stained cheeks with the back of her hands. “Okay.”
“Okay.” Mark taps his knuckles on the desk. “Group starts in half an hour, I’ll take you to the conference room and you can help yourself to refreshments until it’s time. You two ready?”
I blow out a breath, the weight of his words settling heavy on my shoulders.
I thought Pops coming to rehab would cure him. That he’d work on his issues and come home where we could make sure he stays on the straight and narrow.
I didn’t realize it would be like this.
But even if I don’t understand it, I’ll try like hell to learn, so I can be here by Lee’s side, and by Pops’s, every step of the way.
56
Eli
The past two hours opened my eyes, and I didn’t even know they had been closed. The group session was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It was so different than what I was expecting—so much more.
I won’t lie and say I can relate to others who showed up. But I see the same nervous shadow lurking in their eyes, the same anxious movements as I do with Lee. I sense the desperation oozing out of their pores, wanting to do something, anything to help, but not knowing where to start. At least that is something I can relate to. I have no clue how the hell to navigate what’s to come. No clue what to do when Pops comes home. And maybe I haven’t been here for his downward spiral, haven’t felt the soul-crushing feeling of watching someone I love succumb to their weaknesses, but I feel the guilt that comes along with not having been there.
I feel the weight of responsibility from being here now and having no compass to direct me on the journey.
Today I learned that alcoholism is a family disease. It affects us all in different ways.
Codependency being one of the most common symptoms. Denial being another. That’s a sledgehammer to my psyche because fuck if I haven’t been denying Pops’s addiction for years. And I damn well know Lee’s been codependent, adapting her life to fit his alcoholism, obsessively worrying about what was going to happen to him at the expense of her own self-care.
I’m not sure how to come to terms with the fact Pops’s addiction has affected me more than I originally thought. Chase’s invitation whispers in the back of my mind, and I file it away to bring up later, after I’ve processed the rest of my emotions from today.