Page 73 of Beneath the Stars (Sugarlake 1)

Laughter bursts from me. “Don’t sugarcoat it, damn.”

She smiles. “It’s the truth.”

Her smile fades. “But then… then there are other times, like now. Where I’m happy you’re back. And that makes me feel crazy ‘cause I should know better than to let you into my life.”

I try to tamp down the emotions her words cause. The happiness swirls around, mixing with the devastation in knowing she thinks I’m just another bad decision. “Alina, I messed up with you. I know that. I didn’t put you first. I wasn’t there for you the way you’ve always, always been there for me. I’ll live the rest of my life with that regret. I’d love to have a conversation where I tell you all the ways I know I’ve fucked-up, but I know that’s not what you need from me. Not right now.”

“I may never be ready for that, Chase.”

I drop my head, hoping she can’t hear my heart splinter. “And I respect that, but let me say one thing.”

“Chase, I—”

I reach over and put my finger on her lips. Her perfect fucking lips. My eyes are heavy with the weight of the words I’m about to say, and I know she can feel my finger trembling. “I’m sorry, Alina. I’m so fucking sorry. I know they’re just words and they don’t make up for shit. I know they’re eight years too late. But there they are.”

I watch as my words sink into her. Feel her lips under the pad of my finger as they part to take a breath. Desperation claws at me. There’s nothing more I want than for her to forgive my sins. But I won’t ask that. Forgiveness isn’t mine to demand, it’s hers to give.

She pulls away from my hand and faces the sky. I follow suit, lying against the blanket, my apology lingering in the space between us.

“Thank you,” she speaks into the silence. “For the apology… and for bringin’ me here. It helps.”

I was hoping it would. Her dad has a serious problem, and he talks to her like an asshole. Blames her for things he has no fucking business laying on her shoulders. I know what that can do to someone’s psyche.

I chew on the inside of my cheek, peeking at her from the corner of my eye. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

I nod. There are a million things I want to say. You’re beautiful. I still love you. Your mom’s death is not your fault. I bite my tongue. Instead, I reach out and grasp her hand, blood pumping as I wait to see if she clasps mine back.

She does.

32

Chase

It’s Sunday morning and I’m driving back to Nashville. This weekend has been eye opening, to say the least. I have an appointment with Doc and then Nar-Anon group this evening. Marissa stayed all weekend. She was pissed when I came home on Friday night, but not pissed enough to leave. Instead, she stayed busy ordering furniture for my house. I spent the whole time feeling awkward as fuck because she kept trying to get me into bed and I… couldn’t. I’ve been trying to feel a sliver of the way I do for Goldi, but for Marissa instead. It hasn’t happened. Marissa’s a good woman. She’s just not the woman for me. Now, I just have to figure out the best way to tell her.

Courage to change the things I can. I repeat the serenity prayer before parking behind her and following her into her house.

I’m surprised she’s been dropping hints about moving to Sugarlake when she has such a nice setup here. My stomach rolls when I think of how invested she must be in our relationship to feel that way.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Marissa walks to the fridge.

I lean against her kitchen island and shake my head. “No, I can’t stay long. But can we talk for a sec?”

Her hand pauses mid-air, halfway to the cabinet of glasses. “Talk about what?”

“About what we’re doing here. With this. With us.”

“With us?” She looks over her shoulder at me. “I thought we were excelling in that department, so I’m not sure what we need to talk about.”

“Do you really feel that way? You can honestly stand there and tell me you’re one-hundred percent happy with how things are?”

“Yes. We’re very compatible.” Her voice deepens.

Damn. She’s not gonna make this easy. “The past few years have been fun, you’ve been a great friend and yeah, the sex is great.”

She saunters around the island and steps into me. “Then why do I get the feeling you’re trying to ruin it?”

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