Page 43 of Beneath the Stars (Sugarlake 1)

I pause, listening to the silence. Waiting with bated breath for a miracle.

But just like every other time I visit, a miracle never comes.

19

Chase

Twenty-Five Years Old

“I have a date tonight.”

Doc hums in his chair. It used to annoy me, but now the rumble is comforting. I don’t need long responses, and he doesn’t push me to verbalize things that are easier to write down. Yeah, he was right about the journaling. Fuck me, you know?

“Are you nervous?” he asks.

“I feel like I should be, right? I’m twenty-five and I’ve never gone on an actual date.” The guilt knocks, trying to work its way inside as I realize I never even took Goldi on a fucking date.

I shake off the feeling. “I’m not nervous. I don’t really feel anything, to be honest. Her name’s Marissa, by the way. Not that you asked, Doc. You never do. But your method seems to work, so what do I know? You’re the professional here, not me.” I’m rambling, every word out of my mouth costing another twenty cents, but I can’t stop.

“I mean, do you think I should be nervous?” I’m sitting on the couch, elbows resting on my knees. I gave up the whole lying down thing. Made me feel a little too One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

“I think it’s normal to feel nervous. Or excited. But all of your feelings are valid, Chase. No matter what they are.”

I click my tongue, analyzing him. “See, Doc, that’s why I pay you the big bucks. You always know the right things to say.”

I’ve been coming to Doc for three years now, and some days, I feel like he’s my best friend. How fucking pathetic is that?

There’s a group of guys from work I grab beers with, but it’s all surface level. Especially once I was promoted to Construction Engineering Project Manager. The pay is nice, but I found out quickly people treat you differently when you’re above them in management. That’s how I met Marissa, though. She’s a designer for one of our industrial complexes.

I’ve picked up a lot of girls in the past five years, always for a quick thrill and a release of tension. A nice, warm hole for my cock to disappear in for a while. But I’ve never given them the time of day beyond that. Not until Marissa. I’m not sure what it was that made me ask her out. Maybe it was the conversation. She’s the first woman to hold my interest long enough to look into her head instead of staring at her tits. Or, maybe it’s the fact that with her jet-black hair, big brown eyes and legs for days, she’s the exact opposite of the girl my heart still beats for—no matter how many times I try to change its cadence.

Journal Entry # 156

I fucked a woman tonight. It felt good. I mean, obviously. It was fucking sex. And this girl fuck, woman. She sucked my cock like a Hoover.

I really thought this one would be different, you know? We had things in common. Liked the same movies and shit like that. And I swear, I tried so hard to be invested. But every time she laughed, I compared it to the sound of Goldi’s. Every time she touched me, I waited for the sizzle to burn through my veins, but was left feeling cold. And when I came inside her, I had to close my eyes and imagine it was Goldi’s tight pussy. FUUUUCK. It’s like I can’t even function normally for a damn day. Maybe I’m destined to hate myself forever because my brain couldn’t stop being a little bitch for two seconds and ended up losing the other half of my soul.

Jesus, I hope nobody ever finds this notebook.

Doc thinks my problem is I was never shown healthy love during my “formative years.” Whatever the fuck that means. But Doc is usually right.

I think there’s only one time ever where my mom even said the words. I wanted to tell him about it. So he would know that my mom DID love me, at least once. But like usual, my throat closed up and my chest started to cave in, so the words stayed buried.

So here goes, notebook. I’m gonna tell you.

I can’t remember how old I was, I think maybe four or five. Lily was still in diapers, I know that much. It was a good day, though. My birthday. My mom was in a happy mood, which was fucking rare. I didn’t know about drugs back then, only that she needed medicine and got sick a lot when she didn’t have it. But that day she was glowing. I remember her laugh the most. It lit me up inside and made me want to tell the whole world she had made that noise just for me.

She woke me up that morning and said we were gonna go out for ice cream. “A birthday treat for a birthday boy.” We didn’t have money, so luxuries like birthday presents weren’t a thing. I was excited, naturally. I had never had a birthday treat before.

I picked vanilla and she let me load it up with all the toppings I wanted. It was the happiest I’d ever been. Funny how something so small can have such a huge impact.

We sat at the tiny metal table in the corner of the shop, the stools uneven and wobbly. It was there she told me how much she loved me. Made me promise to always look after Lily. “You’re a good brother. I can rest easy knowing Lily will always have you to take care of her.” Her words filled me up like a balloon, and I swear to god I was floating all the way home. My whole life I tried everything to get her love, and finally, I had it. I never wanted to lose it again. Never wanted to do anything to make her love me any less.

I really thought she was better. She hadn’t been sick all day. Hope filled me that things were going to be different.

We got home and she put Lily down for a nap. Said I should take one too, that she was gonna run to the corner store since we didn’t have any food for dinner.

Jesus. I’ve never thought until this moment how irresponsible she was leaving a fucking child and a toddler alone in the apartment.

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