Page 29 of Beneath the Stars (Sugarlake 1)

The whisper of Sam soothing Anna while she cries makes me ache for Goldi. But I don’t call her. I don’t deserve any solace. Words of rehabilitation are mentioned, pamphlets are exchanged, and just like that the hospital wipes their hands of Lily, preparing to discharge her within a few hours.

Sam, Anna, and I go down to the cafeteria after Lily asks for a minute to rest. They’re both talking to me, but I don’t pay attention. I’m too busy sinking into the depths of my self-loathing. This is my fault. If I had just paid more attention. Not gotten so caught up in my own life… in Goldi.

Eventually, we make it back to Lily’s room, preparing for the tough conversations ahead. But when we walk in, the room’s empty.

She’s gone.

Everybody always leaves.

12

Chase

Twenty Years Old

“Chase, are you even listening to me?”

I look at Lindsay, her bleached-blonde hair covering half of her face as she leans over her textbook. She sniffs like she has a cold. We aren’t in a class together anymore, but we still meet once a week to study.

“Yeah, I’m listening.”

I’m not.

Lindsay sniffs again, looking at me through her lashes, a smirk on her face. “What did I say, then?”

I don’t answer. I’m too busy wondering why I even bother with this charade of school anymore. After Lily made her great escape, I was firm in the decision of staying home and helping Sam and Anna try to find her. They fought me, convinced I should continue to “live my life.”

What a fucking joke.

They’ve been searching for a year now, and no luck. They hang on to their hope, but I know better. No love is greater than a love affair with drugs.

In all honesty, I’m still at ETU to keep some distance between Goldi and me. Like usual, whenever we’re together, everything disappears until all I see is her. But sometimes looking at her hurts. Thoughts whisper that if I hadn’t given in to the pull between us, my sister might be healthy. Happy. Here.

I should have saved her from this. I could have saved her.

I see the pain I cause Goldi when I play hot and cold whenever she visits. I hear it in her voice every time she asks if she did something wrong. I want to scream that it’s not her, it’s me.

It’s always me.

I should let her go, I know this. But I love her. So fucking much. So, I’m selfish. I keep her on my rope, knowing I’m slowly hanging us both.

Lindsay sniffs again.

I quirk my brow. “Are you getting sick?”

She rubs under her nose and looks up, her pen creating a steady tap tap tap from her twitching hand. “What? No. I’m fine.”

I lean forward, looking at her closely. She’s antsy. She keeps rubbing her nose, and as she meets my gaze, I notice her pupils are the size of quarters.

“Are you fucking high?” I hiss.

She taps her nose. “Just a little pick me up, Chase. Nothing to freak out about.”

“There’s no such thing as a ‘little pick me up,’ Lindsay. What the fuck is wrong with you? ”

She shifts in her chair. “Jesus, calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down. I don’t want you to be high when you’re around me.” I point my pencil at her, gripping it so tight I’m surprised it doesn’t snap in half.

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