Page 13 of Beneath the Stars (Sugarlake 1)

I thought it would feel different. Losing my virginity. But lying here in my bed, feeling the breeze from my open window, I feel the same as I have every other night. I reach down and cup myself, thinking I should feel something. Sore or I don’t know—some sign of entry?

Dang, that sounds stupid.

I thought it would make me feel like more of a woman, I guess. Honestly, it was nothing to write home about. Can’t say I regret it, though. I’ve built up how my first time was going to go for years, always trying to picture the perfect way Chase would take it from me.

What a joke.

The pressure of it living up to my expectations is gone now, at least.

“Goldi.”

Great. Out of all the nights for him to show back up in my life, it had to be tonight. I close my eyes. I’m afraid it will hurt to look at him.

“Goldi.”

His voice is closer now. I crack my eyes open and take a peek. He’s peering down at me, his dimples showing his amusement. Dang. I’m a sucker for the dimples.

I open my eyes fully and sigh. “Hi, Chase.”

“Where’d you disappear to tonight?” He’s leaning against my nightstand, hands in his pockets.

“Oh, you knew I was there?” I ask, eyebrows raised.

He looks down, shoulders slumping.

“Remember when we used to be best friends, Chase?”

“You’re still my best friend, Goldi.” He speaks slowly, the words rolling off his tongue like molasses.

I laugh. “Well, you must be the worst one I’ve ever had.”

“Don’t say that. Fuck!” The sound of his foot kicking the bottom of my nightstand is jarring.

“Quiet! You wanna wake Eli, or worse, my daddy?”

He winces, reaching up to grip his hair. “I just... I’m so fucking twisted up. I see you and it’s like all my shit gets thrown in the air, and I have no control over where it will land.”

“You can’t control everything, Chase. That’s not real life.”

He huffs. “What do you know about real life, Goldi? You’re fiftee

n.”

“Don’t you patronize me!” My voice is sharp but quiet. “I know enough about life to know that never takin’ a risk is never really livin’. Mama says just to make sure the juice is worth the squeeze, that’s all. I think you’re worth the squeeze.” My palm tries to rub away the ache in my chest. “I can’t breathe sometimes with how much I wish you would think the same of me.”

He approaches, knees hitting the edge of the bed as he leans down. His calloused fingers trail down my jaw and he cups my face. His Adam’s apple bobs with the motion of his swallow, and he gazes in my eyes, searching for... who knows what?

“Sometimes, I think I must love you, Goldi. That’s the only explanation for why my chest feels like it’s gonna explode whenever you’re around. But the last woman who I loved more than the world? She decided I wasn’t worth it, and left me with nothing but broken pieces and a baby sister to take care of.”

Love. My heart thumps faster even as I’m lost in his sorrow, wishing I could take away his pain. His thumb brushes over my bottom lip. “I ruin people’s love. I don’t want to ruin you, too.”

My fingers circle his wrist, feeling his pulse pound beneath my thumb. “Why don’t you let me worry about that?”

He closes his eyes, resting his forehead against mine, rolling it back and forth.

A door opens down the hall, wood slats creaking as someone walks over them. Chase’s eyes snap open.

He bolts to the window, not looking back until he’s got one leg out, his body straddling the ledge. The muscle in his jaw tics from so many things left unsaid in the air around us. Then he slips away into the night.

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