Page 125 of Beneath the Stars (Sugarlake 1)

bone in my body wants to jump in a car and chase him down, but I know it won’t do me any good. I’m tired of being his punching bag, and after going to that meeting with Chase, I’ve realized as long as I’m there cushioning his fall, he won’t ever feel the pain. He has to hit rock bottom, and he needs to do it alone. But that doesn’t mean I’m not worried.

I need to tell Eli. Where the heck is he?

I splash water on my face to cool my cheeks and head back to the party. The last thing I want is to walk in there now that everyone’s seen Daddy at his worst—but I have no other option. I need to hunt down my brother.

I am not Daddy’s choices.

I take a deep breath and push open the doors, working my way through the crowd. Music thumps from the speakers, and there’s a group of people dancing in the middle of the room. My body instinctively wants to lose itself in the music—forget about everything that’s happened, but I keep my eyes on the prize.

I slink to a corner, hiding in the shadows while I scan the area for my brother. I find Sarah chatting with Sam and Anna, but Eli isn’t with her. The thought briefly flitters through my mind of asking her where he is, but something holds me back. I’m not sure she’d be any more in the know than I am.

“Were you ever gonna tell me?”

My breath lodges in my throat as I spin around. “Jax.”

His hands are in his pockets, a storm raging in the forest of his eyes. “Sweetheart, how long has he been this bad?”

“No. Don’t you look at me like that, Jackson Rhoades.” I point my finger in his face. “That right there is exactly the reason I never said anything. Ever since Mama died and Eli left, all I get is looks of pity from everyone in town. I can’t stand the thought of you lookin’ at me that way too.”

Jax rocks back on his heels. “But it’s me.”

A short laugh comes out with my breath. “That’s even worse.”

He flinches, and I struggle to find the words.

“Jax… I didn’t tell you because you woulda rode in on your white horse and saved the day. I didn’t want that. You already hold me up whenever I’m fallin’ down, and I knew, I knew that I couldn’t be enough for you.” I glance down, the sting burning me from my chest to my eyes. “I didn’t want you to know I wasn’t enough for Daddy, too.”

“Alina. No. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

I sniffle. “I know that now, I do. He’s really mean to me, Jax. Blames me for Mama—can’t even look at me. I didn’t want you to see it. I didn’t want anyone to know it.”

Jax’s arms engulf me. “It kills me you’ve been going through this all alone, sweetheart. You say the word and I’ll postpone my move. I’ll stay here for as long as you need.”

I shake my head against his chest. “No. You need to go. As much as I want you to stay, it would be the most selfish thing I could do, Jax.”

He hugs me tighter, and I get lost in the comfort of my best friend’s embrace. “I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

He lets out a deep exhale. “You’re telling me now.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

He pulls back, his hand cupping my cheek. “You deserve the world, Alina May. Promise me you’ll go out and get it.”

My belly burns and my heart rams against my ribcage. “Why does this feel like goodbye?”

“Maybe it is,” he says with glassy eyes.

My head finds his chest again and my tears fall faster, soaking into his shirt.

“Maybe sometimes you have to say goodbye, even when it hurts. Maybe that’s the only way to appreciate the hellos.”

I squeeze my eyes tight as I cling to him. “I love you, Jackson Rhoades. I’ll miss you every day.”

He hums, and I commit the feel of him to memory. Even though I want to stay like this for as long as I can, I let go.

“Have you seen Eli?” I tuck my hair behind my ears.

Jax shakes his head. “I can help you look if you want.”

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