Page 110 of Beneath the Stars (Sugarlake 1)

“And then imagine that by some miracle, you get a second chance. That finally, you get to experience being loved by the other half of your soul.”

“Chase, I don’t know—”

I cut her off. “I know I’ve never opened up to you. That’s on me, and I’m sorry for any pain that’s caused you.”

Her eyes gloss over and she curls her lips in, her hand rising to her chest.

“But listen to me when I tell you this, Anna, because I’m only gonna say it once. Goldi is it for me. She always was and she always will be. Anything that happened in the past, everything that happened in the past is on me. She’s not going anywhere. I lost her once, I won’t lose her again. If you can’t come to terms with that,” I blow out a breath. “If you force me into making a choice… I won’t bring her somewhere she feels unwelcome.”

Anna wipes under her eyes. “She was Lily’s best friend, Chase. Do you really believe she had nothin’ to do with what Lily got into?”

My chin rises along with my eyebrows. “Is that what you think?”

“I find it hard to believe anything else.”

“Lily hid the truth from every single one of us, Anna. Hell—she lived with us and we didn’t know. Or maybe we did and chose to be blind to what was right in front of our faces.” I shake my head. “Either way, projecting that on to Goldi isn’t okay.” I step closer, leaning my head down to catch her eyes with mine. “She isn’t to blame. Not for Lily. Not for me.”

Anna scowls. “She made you up and leave us. You couldn’t even hear the word Sugarlake without your bleedin’ heart spillin’ through your eyes. You can say whatever you want, but… I struggled for years to have children, and then I finally got two. If it weren’t for her” —she points the knife toward the back deck— “maybe I’d still have you both.”

I keep my face stoic, but inside, my heart is being wrung out to dry from her words. This is a lot deeper than a simple misunderstanding. Anna and Sam had years of fertility issues. If she’s blaming Goldi for the loss of her children, after years of struggling—that’s going to be more than a ten-minute conversation before dinner.

“That’s not fair,” I argue.

She shrugs, her eyes sad even through her smile. “It may not be, but it’s how I feel.”

My jaw clenches. “Be upset at Lily. Be angry at me. Be pissed off at the hand life dealt you… but please don’t think I’ll sit back and let you take it out on Goldi. I won’t bring her here to be disrespected.”

“I know.” She nods. “You love her more than you love us.”

My stomach sinks at her words. I fucking hate this. “I love you. You have been the best mom a guy could ask for.”

She gasps. It’s the first time I’ve said the words. The first time I’ve called her mom. I pull her in for a hug and she collapses against my chest. I hold her close, years of my mistakes and her longing culminating as tear stains on my shirt. After a few moments, she sniffles and pulls back.

I hold her by her shoulders. “I’m in love with her. Try to understand, Anna, please. My world was black for so long, you know?”

“And she’s the light?” Anna asks softly.

“She’s every star in the sky.”

Anna nods, wiping her tears and heading to the back patio to let Sam and Goldi know it’s time for dinner. I set the table, my stomach rumbling from the smell of Anna’s cooking. It’s one of the things I’ve missed most over the years. There’s a lot of takeout in my life when she isn’t there to feed me.

For the first half of dinner, we talk about Sam’s retirement party. It’s this Saturday, so Anna is trying to get all the last-minute details sorted. She’s excited, almost bouncing out of her seat when she talks. Sam, on the other hand, isn’t. I know for a fact he would rather not be retiring at all, but he’s doing it to appease Anna. Happy wife, happy life. Goldi and I haven’t even talked about the party, but she doesn’t seem surprised, so I’m assuming her family got the invite. I wonder if Mr. Carson plans on going. No one knows about his drinking, and I’m pretty fucking positive he’s past the point of being able to fake it.

There’s a lull in the conversation, and I know this is my chance. Nausea rages through my gut, and my knee hits the bottom of the table from my jitters. It doesn’t matter, my nerves won’t stop me from this. Now that I know Lily’s in Arizona, I won’t be able to rest until I make sure she’s okay.

“So.” I clear my throat. “Something interesting happened. I want to talk to you guys about it, but I’m not really sure how to bring it up.” I clench my fork, the metal stinging as it presses into my palm.

Anna places her napkin in her lap. “You know you can tell us anything, Chase.”

“Right.” I nod. “I ran into someone who knows Lily.”

The table goes mute. Anna’s smile drops and Sam’s shoulders stiffen.

Goldi reaches over and links our fingers, giving me the strength to continue. “He told me she’s in Arizona. Or at least, that she was a few months back.”

Sam leans forward, his elbows on the table, his attention rapt. “How does he know that? She still talks to him?”

“I don’t know, I wasn’t exactly in the best frame of mind for asking questions.” Even thinking about that motherfucker makes the rage bubble in my veins.

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