Page 81 of Beneath the Stars (Sugarlake 1)

Guilt morphs into indignation at his tone. I get that he’s upset about Chase, but it isn’t his decision. It isn’t his life. “Listen, you don’t get to be mad at me, Jax. I didn’t tell you because it’s none of your business.”

He rears back. “None of my business? Was it my business when you used my shoulder to cry on every time we’d go visit him?”

“Jax—”

“No.” He cuts his hand through the air. “Let me ask you something, Lee. When he fucked around on you the same night your mom died... who was it that held you? Because it sure as shit wasn’t him. Was it my business, then?”

Tears well in my eyes, the words dying on my tongue. “Jax…” I whisper.

His cheeks are rosy with his anger and he steps in close to me, lowering his voice. “Is it really that easy?”

“Is what that easy?”

“To forgive him? To take him back like nothing happened?”

“I’m not with him, Jax. It’s not like that, I swear. We’ve just been friends and—”

“I’ve waited years for you to give me a chance, Alina. Hoping that he’d loosen his grip on your heart enough to just let you fucking see me.” He beats his chest. “He treated you like shit, and somehow you still choose him over me. Every time. Less than a month he’s been back, and you just open your arms to him.” He raises his face to the sky. “You’ve never even given me your hand.”

I feel like I might throw up. I swallow around the knot in my throat, searching for words to make this okay. To stop from breaking his heart. “Jax, I… you know I love you.”

He blows out a breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just not as much as you love him, right?”

My clammy hands wring together. “Don’t do that. It’s different.”

His fingers tease the chain around his neck as he hangs his head, shaking it slightly. “I’m gonna go.”

He stomps by me and I reach out, grabbing the back of his shirt, trying to anchor him to me. “You’re my best friend.”

“I don’t want to just be your friend.”

I close my eyes, the truth of his words stabbing me. I’ve known it, and I should have put a stop to his feelings long before now. “Do you hate me?” I hiccup.

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He spins, reaching up and wiping under my eyes. “I could never hate you, sweetheart. That’s the problem.” With a sigh, he kisses my forehead and walks down the steps of the front porch. I watch helplessly as he peels out of the driveway. It’s not until he’s gone that I collapse on the ground, covering my mouth to keep the sobs at bay.

This hurts.

I’m not sure how much time passes with me sitting outside, staring at the empty spot where Jax was. But I’m snapped out of my stupor when I hear the screen door open.

Chase sits next to me, his knees to his chest and his eyes straight ahead. “Do you want me to go?”

I shake my head.

“Are you okay?”

I shake my head again. Tears I thought I already cried track down my face. Chase wraps his thick arm around me, pulling me into his side. I lean into him, knowing I shouldn’t accept his embrace, but basking in the solace, nonetheless.

Eventually, we go back inside and finish dinner. Daddy’s already incoherent, and as I watch him, I can’t help but feel relieved Jax didn’t stick around. Things would have been much worse if he realized I kept Daddy’s issues from him. The fissure in my stomach gapes wider and threatens to swallow me whole.

I don’t feel happiness when I leave tonight.

I don’t sleep soundly in my own bed.

Instead, I lay in my tears and try to keep from drowning in my failures.

Like every other Sunday, I visit Mama’s grave. There’s nothing I wish more than to have her hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I’ll settle for spewing my broken heart all over her memory to help ease the ache.

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