Page 47 of Beneath the Stars (Sugarlake 1)

They’re already there when I arrive, and there’s a tension in the air surrounding the three of us that I haven’t felt in years. It has me on edge.

I sip my beer, Marissa’s words from earlier at the forefront of my mind, the guilt billowing inside me. “So, what’s been going on with you two?”

Sam and Anna share a look. She places her hand on his arm, almost to soothe him. Maybe they’re surprised I asked?

Sam rubs his forehead. “Well, there’s actually been some recent developments we need to talk to you about… with my health.”

My beer goes down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and sputter.

“Shit, that came out wrong. Don’t worry,” he rushes out. “It’s nothing life-threatening, just a repetitive strain injury with my back. It’s really not a big deal—”

Anna cuts him off with a sharp look. “It is a big deal.” She looks over to me. “He’s been strongly advised by his doctor to go into retirement ‘cause of this musculoskeletal disorder. If he continues to work, it’ll only get worse.”

Sam grimaces. “I’m fine, truly. Just a twinge in the back that makes it hard for me to be in the trenches with the guys on-site.”

Well, shit. MSD is pretty common in construction. It’s not unusual for workers to get strains on their ligaments and joints, causing restricted movement and severe pain, making it almost impossible for them to continue working. I’ve seen it before, but I never thought it would happen to Sam.

I swallow. “So, what’s the plan?”

Sam’s cheeks puff out with his breath. “Well, you know what they say. ‘Happy wife, happy life.’ Anna wants me to go into early retirement. Bring on someone else to run the company.”

Anna nods, rubbing his forearm and gazing at him lovingly. “It’s time to step back and enjoy the benefits of ownin’ a company without the risks of workin’.”

Sam smiles softly, giving her a quick kiss before leveling me with his stare. “Listen, I know we’ve already talked about this a million times. And I know that more than likely, you’re going to turn it down again.” He hangs his head, staring at the table. “But before I go through the process of figuring out who I’ll bring in—of figuring out who I trust enough to run everything I’ve spent years building, I have to try one more time.” He raises his head, his eyes pinning me to my chair. “There’s no one I’d want to run my company more than you.”

I lean back in my chair and close my eyes, blowing out a breath. Anxiety scratches at my insides. So does the desire to bark out a “no,” but I tamp it down and try to think logically. I’ve built a life here. I have a career I enjoy, respect from my peers, a girlfriend, a support system. In Sugarlake, there’s nothing but painful memories and a group of people who made it very clear I wasn’t welcome. On the other hand, wasn’t I just thinking about how I would be less selfish when it comes to Sam and Anna? Everything I am, the man I’ve become is all thanks to the two of them. If they need me, then I owe it to them to get over my shit and show the fuck up.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Journal Entry #312

I’ve been able to talk to Doc about a lot over the past years, open up and vomit out the words so they don’t keep rotting me from the inside out. But this one is a memory I’d prefer to forget. So hopefully, purging it onto the pages will make it feel a little less heavy in my heart.

I was eight when mom decided she wanted a new life. I remember how she ran into my room bright and early, picking m

e up out of bed and swinging me around while she sang in my ear. I always craved her touch, so I laid my head on her shoulder and breathed in deep. Memorizing the smell and feel of her. I never knew when the next time we’d be this close was.

She sat me and Lily down, dreaming out loud about a magical city called Nashville. She had watched the movie This Thing Called Love and decided it was where we belonged. Mom was always getting fancy ideas when she was manic, but deciding to up and move us was extreme even for her.

But I was still a young boy, eager to believe in fairy tales. So I nodded my head along as she spoke, my belly filled with butterflies over the thought of going somewhere that our lives could change. Somewhere mom would be happier.

So, we went. That fucking day. Packed up what little belongings we had, piled in our beat-up Honda, and started driving. I don’t know how long the trip lasted, but every once in a while Mom would pull over at a gas station and take her “medicine” before we got back on the road. I wasn’t a fucking idiot—young, but not naive to the ugly truths. But what the fuck was I supposed to do? My main priority was looking out for Lily, not trying to dig my mom out of a hole she fell in before I even existed.

I remember her mood shifting hours into the drive. She started cursing and looking at the map. She told us she got lost and needed to stop and ask directions. She found some gas station in the middle of fucking nowhere, Tennessee. Said we were going to rest awhile and told me to take Lily over to the grassy area around the side of the building. Let us stretch our legs. Told us she’d be back in a bit after she figured out how to get to where we were going.

So I did. And we waited. And fucking waited. Eventually, I took Lily and went inside the gas station to find her. But like a ghost, she was gone.

It wasn’t the first time she forgot us. She’d always show back up.

I sat with Lily on the sidewalk in front of the gas station, watching random people filter in and out, the sun dipping beneath the horizon and the chill of the night seeping into my bones. With every moment, the fear grew inside me, but I hid it. I didn’t want Lily to realize something was wrong.

That was a defining fucking moment of my life. The moment I realized she wasn’t coming back. That’s when I learned you can never trust anybody, but you can always trust them to be who they are.

And my mom was a junkie.

22

Chase

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