Page 5 of Rise (Symbols of Love 1)

My hand comes up to cradle my cheek and I stare at her in utter disbelief.

She grabs my chin and looks me square in the eye.

“I do not know who you think you are or who you think I am. But I am your mother and you are my daughter! Respect, Addie, is earned. I, by raising you to be someone who can stand here in London and call yourself a lawyer, have earned the respect of not being spoken to like this!” Her voice is like a hot poker, prodding my heart with every single word. Shame, anger, pain all whirl through me at her words.

She releases my chin, but continues to use her eyes to keep me rooted to the spot.

“On your fifth birthday we gave you that gold fern pendant you wear around your neck now. Do you know what it stands for? It stands for perseverance and determination.”

She shakes her head in dismay.

“You were the most determined baby. You entered the room with your chin facing the world, ready to take it on. We knew you could do anything you set your mind to. We called you Rise for the first three years of your life because there was not a single challenge you didn’t rise to. You could do anything. You weren’t afraid of anything.”

She turns away from me. Her back is bowed as if she is exhausted. Lilly has joined Milly at the kitchen door and they are both staring at my mother, eyes identical pools of surprise. They clearly have never seen this side of her either.

She turned around to face me again and this time, her eyes burn with tears

“You disappoint me, Addie. Yes, your father did a terrible thing. I know he did, Addie! You do not know what I have suffered through. But, I had children who needed me. So, I didn’t let them see me cry. Do you really think I didn’t cry? Yes, I love him. Yes, I still do. I always will. And he is your father. He loved you all so fiercely. I will never believe he left us voluntarily. If that makes me a fool, then I will be a fool. But you, you have crawled into your fear and it is where you live. You have made it your home. You have made it your motivation and your reason, and I am sorry for you.”

“Mommy…” I choke out, my chest constricting as her words cut me to the quick.

“You need to find your courage, Addie, and rise to this challenge before you wake up one day and your whole life is gone. Your dreams will vanish. Your chance to live them will be over.”

For some reason her words, instead of hurting or soothing me, enrage me and I lash out and say words that, in the coming months, I’ll wish countless times I could take back.

“You find yours first, Mommy. You talk to me about courage, but you’re the weakest person I know. My dreams, my chance to live them left when he did. He took a part of you with him when he left and I wish he had just taken all of you! I haven’t had a mother since I was thirteen, so don’t start trying now!”

I rush past all of them and through the blur of my tears I catch the looks of horror and pain on my sisters’ faces as I push past them to grab my keys.

I step out onto the very busy Pentonville Road and make my way toward the trendy Angel neighborhood. This part of North London is so vibrant it practically hums with activity. It is bustling with activity at 8:30 pm. The road is congested with traffic and all you can see for a mile in each direction are cars and the iconic double decker red buses as they fight each other for road space. A few minutes later, I find myself up the street in a Spanish restaurant, sitting at the bar, drinking Sangria by myself.

July 24, 2014

Two hours later, I’ve drowned my sorrows and calmed down. I am ashamed of the way I spoke to my mom. I am horrified, though, at the way I spoke to Milly. It was low of me to hit her when she is obviously struggling with something. I drag myself back to my apartment, I have no idea what to expect when I get there.

When I step through the door, I’m greeted by the sound of Santana’s “Supernatural” blaring from my little Bluetooth speaker. I see Lilly, dancing alone in the middle of my living room. I glance around, and I am pretty sure my mother, Milly, and therefore Anthony, are gone.

I lean against the closed door of my apartment and watch Lilly for a minute. She is such a singular person. She has always seemed unfazed by everything, dancing when the rest of us are too tired or sad to even get out of bed.

Her eyes are closed; she is lost in the music. I hate to disrupt her moment, but I know she stayed behind to talk to me, and I want to get it over with. So I walk over to the speaker to hit the power button.

She stops moving abruptly and spins around on her stocking-clad feet to glare at me.

“Well, aren’t you just a party wrecker today?” She says as she walks over to the couch and plops down in a casual pose that doesn’t fool me for a minute.

Lilly is the brawler of the group. As relaxed and worry free as she is, she is also the one to never walk away from a confrontation. I should have known she would be waiting for me.

“Lil, I am not in the mood. I am tired and tipsy.”

“Well, that’s too bad. I am in the mood and you left me here with Mom and Milly in tears.”

I sigh and sit down next to her.

“I know, I know. I need to apologize.” I lean back and cover my eyes with my arm. I just want to go to sleep.

“You need to do more than apologize, sis. You’ve got to grow up and stop blaming them for your misery. I know you are mad at Mom, and I won’t try to tell you what to do in regards to that. You’ve got to find a way to make peace with her on your own. You can’t live your life angry at your mother. Especially when she loves you so desperately.”

“So, I’m the bad guy, Lillian?” I use her full name unconsciously, but it signals how serious this conversation is. “I’ve been grown up for a long time. I’ve had to navigate my whole life by myself. I learned how to use a tampon by watching it on YouTube. I learned about sex from reading books. I know you guys had a different experience than I did. But it doesn’t mean mine is not valid.”

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