Page 41 of Rise (Symbols of Love 1)

“Mercy, I am glad you’re here, actually. You’re family. You need to hear this, too.”

I sit down and sigh. I muster every bit of courage I have and look my brother in the eye. “Kyle, Send called today. It’s about Mum. She’s dead.”

Kyle, who is sitting up perfectly straight, leans forward. His eyes are grave as they pin mine. “What? I don’t understand? How can she be dead?” His voice is barely a whisper.

“She had cancer. They’d been treating her, but apparently there was nothing left for them to do.” I say this as calmly as I can. Looking into my brother’s eyes, registering the pain, shock, and anger growing there, I feel the same emotions rising in me.

“When did you find out, Simon?” Kyle asks me quietly. His face a mirror image of the anguish I am feeling at having to tell him this news.

“I found out yesterday.” I say quietly.

Kyle stands up and slams both fists on the table, his demeanor going from one of anguish to rage “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me yesterday, then?” he practically screams in my face.

I stand up, too, immediately on guard and alert

“When was I supposed to tell you? You were asleep when I got home, for fuck’s sake. Should I have woken you up?” I ask, trying to keep my tone low and even.

“Yes, Simon! You should have woken me up! This is the kind of shit you wake people up for!” he yells.

“You’ve been making decisions for me my whole fucking life, Simon. I am not a kid anymore. When are you going to stop trying to do everything on your own and let me fucking help you?” he asks, not yelling anymore, but his voice is still raised. His eyes are glassy with unshed tears as he looks at me. “I am your brother, not your son, Simon. You shouldn’t have dealt with this all by yourself yesterday.”

“Kyle, I…,” I am speechless, this is not the reaction I was expecting. I look to Mercy for help, but she is watching Kyle like she has never seen him before. Her tears flow freely as she stares at him with a look akin to awe on her face.

Kyle takes a deep breath and lets it out, trying to calm himself before he continues in a more measured tone. “Simon, I know you think you are responsible for everything that happened when we were kids. You’re not. Mom is. Dad is. Fuck, Child Welfare is. You, brother, are not. You were a kid, too.”

I sit back on the bar stool, unable to say anything. Kyle continues, “We’ve got Henry with us now, but you act like it’s all your responsibility. He is my nephew, too. She is my sister, too. She is my mother, too! Let me help, Simon. Stop trying to do it all on your own.”

He starts to pace as I sit there, dumbstruck.

“The other night when I walked in on you with that woman, I was so fucking happy. Until I realized where your mind would go. Simon, it was a long time ago. I am not saying I am 100% over what happened to me, but I have had enough therapy to know that in normal homes children who walk in on adults having sex aren’t normally forced to join in.” Kyle sits there with sad, wistful smile on his face, actually comforting me.

It was me who failed him so terribly all of those years ago. When I let our alcoholic mother and the monster she called her boyfriend molest my brother while I was out playing rugby. I’ll never forget the scene that greeted me when I walked in and caught them.

Mercy’s shocked, “Dear God!” pierces the room, and I suddenly remember she is still there. And it breaks me out of my dark thoughts.

Kyle walks over to her and sits next to her. “Mercy, it was a long time ago. Simon called the police, it’s why Mum is in jail. He spent more money than I think he actually had on therapists who have really helped me find ways to cope with what happened. It changed me forever, but I wasn’t left to go through it alone.” He glances up at me as he speaks.

I am so proud of my baby brother. He suffered an unspeakable betrayal at the hands of our mother. I’ve lived with the guilt of not being there for him and have done everything in my power since to protect him and help him heal.

“Simon. Please, stop living with this guilt. Stop living for everyone but yourself. You deserve some happiness, too.” Kyle looks at me imploringly.

“Kyle, how did you get so wise?” Mercy asks him.

“I got it all from my big brother,” He counters with a big grin.

Reaching across the bar to clap a hand on his shoulder, I say, “Kyle, we need to talk about Mum.” Knowing it will dramatically change the mood. But we have some major decisions to make.

It’s not lost on me when Kyle mentioned happiness, a pair of big golden eyes, framed by dark, thick lashes popped into my head. Right then, I make a decision. No more denying myself the first thing I have truly wanted in years.

But first things first. I turn my attention back to my brother and Mercy. We need to talk about what to do with our mother’s remains. It’s a hard conversation, but when we’re done, Kyle and I have made a decision about our family together and my load feels a little lighter.

September 25, 2014

“Hi, can I come in?” Matthew pops his head into my office, and I have to stifle a groan. He steps in before I can respond. This has become a pattern. He comes by every morning and instead of my abrupt and sometimes downright dismissive manner discouraging him, he seems emboldened by it.

I have no idea what to do about him. I want to tell him to leave me the fuck alone, but I also know how important this deal is to the firm, and while I can’t imagine he would actually be dickish enough to hold it over my head, I’ve seen a nastiness in him that makes me really nervous about crossing him.

And I actually have a question for him today, so I decide to use that to deflect his usual and inane small talk.

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