Page 45 of Envy

“That’s not a bad thing,” he says.

“Are you?” I blurt out before I can think better of it. I slap my hand over my mouth and stare at him in horror.

My outburst is met with silence and a surprised expression of his own.

God, how I want those words back. I don’t want to know. “Forget I asked, please. Let’s just go eat.” I grab his hand and look at him pleadingly, my eyes begging him to spare me from my own impulsivity and let me remain ignorant.

“Apollo,” he says gently and takes my other hand in his. “I’m still a virgin, too.” I nearly sag with relief and don’t bother to hide it. “Maybe it’s the way I was raised, but I plan on waiting until I can be with someone I love,” he says softly, and I deflate.

“Oh … I see,” I say and lower my head to hide my disappointment. “And you don’t love me? Not like that?” I ask softly.

He slips a finger under my chin and tilts my head upward. I don’t resist, but I can’t meet his eye.

“Apollo, I love you in every way possible,” he says softly. My eyes fly back to his face and I search his eyes for the truth. … Oh, yes, I can see it.

“But, we’re so young. Especially you. I want to finish school and move to Las Vegas and do this right,” he says earnestly.

“I don’t know what any of that has to do with kissing me,” I grumble.

“I don’t want anything to mess things up. I’ve seen what happens to people who make rash decisions when they’re too young to know better. What if something happened to me … I left you with a kid you can’t take care of … Forcing you to make desperate choices for both.”

“I’m not your mother, and I have money of my own,” I say and immediately regret it when I see the flash of hurt in his eyes.

“Yes, I know,” he says quietly, but I can see that telltale twitch of a muscle in his jaw and immediately regret my thoughtless comment.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to argue. What I want is you,” I apologize, but push him at the same time. I think he’s being overly cautious.

“I’m yours. But Apollo, that’s not enough. I want to be able to take care of you. I want—”

“Why can’t we take care of each other? I have money, Graham. Lots of it. What good is it if I can’t do anything with it?” I demand in exasperation.

“I’m not going to live off you. I’m a man, Apollo.”

I growl in frustration and glare at him. “This whole guys don’t do this thing you do is getting old. Haven’t you learned your lesson by now?”

“What do you mean, learned my lesson?” He crosses his arms over his chest and glares back at me.

“I mean your hair is shoulder length. I distinctly remember you saying something about long hair being for sissies when we were kids. Your middle name is Star. The name you said was a girl’s name when I first gave it to you. That middle initial S is now on your driver’s license.” I raise my eyebrows and dare him to contradict me.

He scoffs. “I was a kid. I’ve evolved. And maybe I will on this, too. Right now, I’m not comfortable with you paying for everything. Until I graduate and get a job, that’s how it’ll be,” he says defensively, and I know I’ve hit a nerve.

But he’s hit one with me, too. His hesitation feels like rejection, and it hurts. I let him see it in my eyes when I look up at him. “I’m not going to beg you—”

“You’re not begging.” He grabs my hands. “You’ll never have to; I’m just asking for time. Once I’m in Las Vegas, you’ll see. I just want to do this right.” There is a glint of determination in his eyes that I know won’t be moved.

I scowl at him. “Why do you have to be so honorable?” I grumble.

He smiles and presses a very dissatisfying kiss to my forehead. “You’ll be glad one day.”

I’ve learned the hard way that the “one day” we’re all waiting for might never come.

Sometimes, I wish he would do like one of those men in my books. That he would just grab me by the hair and tell me he doesn’t give a damn how old I am, that the law be damned, he was going to take me because he wanted to. And then he’d stick his tongue in my mouth and kiss me until I forgot my own name.

When I fantasized about the day Graham told me he loved me, that’s what I’d imagined.

Then, I look back at the statues we just climbed down from, and my heart swells with joy that settles my worries. What he did for me today was much more than any kiss could ever be.

So, when he holds his hand out for mine, I take it.

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