Page 95 of Bursting With Love
Guilt squeezed his heart again, but not so much that he lost sight of what his mother had just unveiled. “Do you think Dad is upset because I went away and he couldn’t or didn’t?”
“I think that might have something to do with it, yes. I don’t think he’s upset with you, necessarily. He just doesn’t know what to do with his own grief.” His mother reached across the table and touched his hand again. Her eyes softened.
Jack felt as if he were stuck. He had no idea how to fix things between him and his father, and it didn’t sound like his mother had the answers either.
“I’ve missed you, Jack.”
“I’ve missed you, too, Mom. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how to move forward. I thought everyone blamed me as much as I blamed myself.”
“I never blamed you, Jack,” Siena said.
“I know.” He put his arm around her and pulled her close. “Savannah has helped me to deal with a lot of that crap. Mom, you’re right. She is a big part of why I’m finally taking the steps I should have taken a long time ago. She’s helped me break down the barriers I’ve put up between me and the rest of the world. But if what you’re saying is that Dad is upset because I did what he couldn’t, then I’m not sure how I can fix that.”
“Your father is stubborn, but he’s a loving man. I know you don’t always see the softer side of him, but it exists. Remember when you came back from your last tour and you were up for days on end worrying about the guys who were still over there?”
“I forgot about that. He stayed up on the phone with me almost all night for several nights in a row.” The memories were filtering back, like pieces of a puzzle falling into place. He’d known his father was exhausted. He’d heard it in his voice, and yet he remained steadfast in his support of Jack, telling him how proud he was of him and how well he’d done for his country.
“Do you remember when he gave you his old truck? He didn’t want to. Did you know that?” she asked.
“I thought it was to haul things, as he said.” Jack took a drink of his iced tea.
“He knew you needed something to haul things with all that acreage, but more important, he knew how much it meant to you. You used to ride in it just to be close to him. He wanted you to have those memories. He’s a good man, Jack, just like you.”
She sat back, and Jack felt her watching him as he mulled over what she’d just said.
“How is Jack supposed to navigate this, Mom? It sounds like it’s Dad’s issue, not Jack’s.”
“Correct. It’s your father’s issue. Jack just needs to be patient and try to remember who your father really is at his heart, so when he’s ready to forgive and apologize, Jack is receptive to it.”
Jack wondered why he’d buried the more positive memories of his father, and he wondered if he’d repressed them before or after Linda’s accident. He wished he knew.
“Do you remember the rabbit we had when I was about eight?” he asked.
“Of course. Wubbles.” She smiled.
“Right.”
“Wubbles? I don’t remember a Wubbles,” Siena said.
“You weren’t born yet,” their mother said. “Jack had a rabbit that he adored. God knows why he had to have that rabbit, but he did, and he loved the darn thing so much. One day when he went out to feed him, he found that Wubbles had gone to the great rabbit hutch in the sky.”
“Aw. That must have been so sad,” Siena said.
“It tore him up, and your father wasn’t very patient with him.” She pointed her index finger at Jack. “But you were a little pill. You refused to eat or sleep for days, and while I don’t agree with how your father pushed you to get you back into life, I do think you needed to be pushed.”
Jack rubbed his hand over his face. Savannah was right. “I guess perspective is everything. I have a kid’s-eye-view with that one. I just remember him telling me to basically get over it. I don’t remember anything that I did around that time. You know, Mom, I wonder if I should just talk to him again, now that I know about Esther. Maybe if he knows I understand what he went through…”
“Don’t you dare. You promised me you'd keep it a secret, and I trust that you will, Jack.”
She said it so forcefully that Jack put his hands up in surrender. “I will. I’m sorry.”
“It could be a year before he comes around, or he could come around tomorrow. I don’t have any idea, and I can’t talk with him about it. This is too close to his heart. All I can tell you, Jack, is that he’s your father and he loves you. When he’s finally ready, I hope you’ll treat him with the same unconditional love that your sister and brothers have treated you.”
