Page 88 of Bursting With Love
Jack’s eyes welled with angry tears. “You never sat me down and said, Jack, sometimes life will kick you in the ass and hurt the people you love most, and when you can’t help them, the guilt will eat you alive.” He swiped at his eyes with the crook of his elbow and stalked away to the brick wall beside the door to the stairway.
“Jack,” Rush said.
Jack looked up just in time to see Rush break free from his father’s grasp and cross the roof to him. Rush’s eyes shifted between his father and Jack several times, before Rush said, “Aw, fuck,” and wrapped Jack in his arms. “I’m sorry, man. I’m so sorry. I was so pissed at you for not being a man and carrying on with your life. You left the Grays high and dry—at least that’s what I thought.”
Jack embraced him, and Rush put one hand on the back of Jack’s head, the other on his back, and held him against his massive chest. Their hearts beat in a frantic, angry rhythm against each other.
“I couldn’t help the Grays. I could barely help myself,” Jack said through his tears.
“I know. I get that now. I fucked up, Jack. I’m so sorry.”
The lump in Jack’s throat practically stopped his breath from passing through. It took all his focus to choke out the last of his words. “I love you, man.”
Jack caught sight of his father, stone faced and standing in the same stoic position as he had been the entire time. Jack couldn’t fix whatever his father was holding against him, but he couldn’t carry any more anger in his own heart, either. He’d overdosed on anger and felt as though one more ounce would be too much. He drew back from Rush, nodding a silent acceptance of his apology, and crossed the roof back to his father.
“I don’t really blame you, Dad, and I no longer blame myself. I made a poor decision by letting her leave the house that night and by not going myself. But that decision cannot define me for the rest of my life. I’m a good man, and I have to believe that Linda knew that.” He looked down, took another deep breath, then met his father’s eyes again. “And I think that you know it, too. Even if you can’t allow yourself to admit it.”
Rush motioned Jack over with his hand. When Rush put his arm over Jack’s shoulder, he had no regrets. He’d told his father the truth. Almost. He hadn’t told him about Savannah, and he wanted a clean slate. He faced his father again and forced his shoulders back, forced his spine to straighten, and in an uneasy voice, he said, “I met someone, Dad. And she knows I’m a good man, too.”
Rush opened the door, and he and Jack descended the stairs.
While Rush filled one of the missing pieces in Jack’s heart, there was another piece of his heart still on that roof—and he felt the gaping hole it left behind. He’d given all he had to give, and knowing it wasn’t enough made him sick to his stomach.
AT THE BOTTOM of the stairs, Rush said, “So you met someone?”
Jack knew Rush was just trying to turn the tides between them, but Jack couldn’t stop thinking of his father. He wished he understood what he’d done. If only his father had said something. Anything to clue him in. How could a father and son become so lost to each other? He turned back to Rush, surprised at how quickly Rush had become his buddy again. Maybe the ties that bind families together really are stronger than anything else.
“Yeah. Savannah Braden. She lives on the Upper East Side.” Savannah Braden. The woman who changed my life. “You know her cousin Blake—”
“No shit. Blake Carter’s cousin? No wonder he was asking about you. Is she cute?” Rush asked.
“Beautiful. And smart. She’s a lawyer.”
“What’s she doing with you?” Rush teased.
Jack feigned punching his arm, and Rush pretended to punch Jack in his stomach. They were laughing as they approached the door to Siena’s loft, but Jack’s laugh was forced. Rush touched his arm.
“Jack. I was a real douche to you, and I’m sorry. I know I was a dick, and I said things that were pretty shitty. It’s just…you were the guy I always looked up to, and when you fell apart…” He shrugged. “My hero had fallen. You disappeared and I got pissed. And then I saw how mad Dad was, and I jumped on that train, I guess. I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right, Rush. We all messed up. I just wish I knew why Dad was so mad.”
“Got me. He’s never said anything. He was real supportive of you until you disappeared, and then it was like a switch turned and he was like he is now.”
“Well, maybe he’ll find a way to tell me what he’s thinking. And, Rush, I wasn’t exactly kind in the way I handled things with you, either. Let’s just say we were both dicks and move past it.” Jack patted him on the back, and when Rush flashed the smile Jack hadn’t seen in two years and he heard laughter coming from inside Siena’s loft, he knew they were on the right path.
